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Family
Events...
Why Manners Matter
By Marybeth Hicks
Question: My husband and I are not sure what to do about adults who
insist that our children call them by their first names, and who allow
their children to do the same with us. We’d prefer to be “Mr. and Mrs.”
and we insist that our children call adults by their proper title. It
seems like a lot of adults think it’s cool to be casual, even with
kids, and get offended or upset when we coach our children otherwise.
Any suggestions for how to handle these folks? Tell us what you think
on our Facebook page.
Each week, we pose a question and ask for your answers! After all, no
one gives better advice than moms in the trenches. Have an answer to
share or a question to pose to our community of moms?
Send it here.
Last Week’s Answer: Last week we asked, What should you do if the media
supervision at a neighbor’s house is lax and your child is exposed to
inappropriate content when playing there? Family Events moms said…
“Don’t confront the parents. Playtime is either at your house or a
park, the zoo, or any place outside of his home.” —Ruth
“Talk to them. Not meanly, just explain that you have different rules.
(They have probably already noticed you are stricter in this area.) if
you don’t say anything they will notice that you do not let your son go
over there and will think you don’t believe they are good parents. If
you talk nicely to them they will know how you feel and can make
decisions on how to handle your feelings from there. I have seven
children. We have this problem all the time. Parents have to talk if
their children are to play together.” —Judy
“The age of the children can dictate the best way to handle the
situation. Does your child know your rules and understand they apply
where ever he might be? A quick review of family rules before a play
date can go a long way and teaches responsablilty and accountability.
As a parent I am always respectful of other parents guide lines and
always ask regarding media, even though we are strict ourselves and
have no problem asking other parents what is allowed in their home
prior to my childs visit... I have not yet once had any negative
reaction, in truth if I did I wouldn’t allow my child to play in their
home.” —Cheryl
“Manners are a sensitive
awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you
have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” —Emily Post
The iconic American actor, dancer and choreographer Fred Astaire once
said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without
seeing any.”
If only Fred were still around to see the state of civil society in our
nation. I think he’d dance off into the sunset shaking his head in
bewilderment!
The issue of public civility is often in the headlines, with
politicians and pundits clucking and shaking their heads about the
abhorrent examples of uncivilized debate that characterize today’s
public discourse. Even our president seems to think that simply calling
for a more civil tone will restore genuine respect for those who
express opposing points of view.
But polite political discourse isn’t a path to a more civilized society
— rather, it’s a reflection of social mores that should dictate public
behavior. The reason we’re struggling with uncivilized behavior is
because (hold onto your hats…) we’ve turned into a less civilized
society.
Only a generation ago, it was still shocking to hear course language in
public or in mixed company. It was still considered rude to pry about
personal subjects like sex and household finances. Children used to
learn not to criticize someone’s religious or political beliefs and to
treated elders and strangers with genuine respect. We valued modesty in
dress and humility in demeanor.
Ponder those social mores as you sit in a restaurant, listening to the
folks at the next table cuss about their relatives and loudly discuss
their colonoscopies, as you wait for a waitress to arrive at your table
and cheerfully ask, “You guys ready to order?”
We’re rude and we know it
Not long ago, pretty much everyone practiced America’s social mores.
Not just the rich or well educated. Not just those from intact families
or those raised “in the church.” Everybody knew and exhibited the
manners and etiquette that reflected an elevated civilization. In fact,
back in the day, even the poorest of the poor in America took pride in
practicing impeccable manners, revealing the inherent dignity that our
founders spoke of when they formed our nation.
Sure, there were bullies and thugs. But they were the exception, not
the rule. That’s why they were labeled bullies and thugs.
Here’s a not-so-shocking revelation: An Associated Press annual
“rudeness poll” finds that almost 70 percent of Americans believe as a
society, we are ruder than we were 20 or 30 years ago. When asked who
was to blame for this trend, the number one response — wait for it —
was “parents not teaching good manners to children.”
Let’s assume that a majority of the people polled are parents. That
mean parents are able to see and admit a problem and realize that they
are at least partly to blame for it (in this case, mostly to blame),
yet they aren’t changing their parenting styles or their expectations
of their kids.
We parents need to make it our priority to teach our children to
practice proper manners. Speaking and acting in a mannerly fashion
shows that we respect others. And respect for others is the foundation
of all public behavior, including political discourse.
What happens if we don’t stress the fundamentals of good manners? We’re
already seeing the results, with rude, hurtful and violent behavior
cropping up among tweens and teens all across the nation. When middle
schoolers routinely threaten and abuse each other in the school yard,
on Facebook and in text messages, we’re watching an uncouth and
uncultured generation devolve into barbarism.
Beyond the magic words
Every mom routinely coaches her pre-schooler to use the “magic” words,
“please” and “thank you.” But unfortunately, because the standards for
social behavior and manners have sunk so low, we might decide it’s no
longer necessary to teach the rest of the rule book.
Yet, as Mr. Astaire noted years ago, our kids won’t learn proper
manners without a clear example. Nor will they practice mannerly
behavior without our diligent training.
Here’s some reassurance from a mom whose children were often
complimented on their manners — it’s worth the effort! Not only will
your kids learn to exhibit respect for others, they’ll be rewarded with
frequent praise for demonstrating a level of civility that has become
far too rare among our youth.
Not to mention, if we work hard to instill good manners in our
children, perhaps we can improve America’s political discourse, one
well-bred citizen at a time!
Thanks for reading and sharing Family Events!
Take good care until next week,
Marybeth
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