Townhall...
10
Ways Conservatives Should Give
Liberals Exactly What They Say They Want
By John Hawkins
6/22/2011
There’s
way too much fussin’ and
fightin’ in politics, isn’t there? In Rodney King’s immortal words, “I
just
want to say, you know, can we all get along?”
CAN
WE all get along, folks? Can we
conservatives cooperate and show just a little bit more of that unity
that our
valiant President, Barack Obama, promised us all back in 2008?
Many
of you reading this column are
undoubtedly saying, “No, we can’t afford to cooperate with the Left!
When
liberals say they want ‘unity,’ what they really mean is that we should
give
them everything they want and call it unity!”
That’s
very true.
Yet
and still, the country wants us to
reach out. They want us to work together. So, in the spirit of
bipartisanship,
I’d like to suggest some ways that we conservatives can stop being such
selfish
ogres and give those on the Left exactly what they want and much more
importantly, what they deserve.
So,
in the generous spirit of
bipartisanship, here are ten ways that we can give liberals exactly
what they
SAY they want.
1)
There are far too many people in
our prisons who have been failed by our society. That certainly isn’t
their
fault. That’s why we need to release a few million prisoners into
halfway
houses in liberal neighborhoods.
2)
America needs to lead the way in
alternative energy; so it should be illegal for liberals to power their
homes
with anything other than windmills and solar energy. On the upside,
since this
will mean a lot of time in the dark, these liberals will gain the added
bonus
of being able to get back to nature.
3)
Bodyguards for liberal politicians,
celebrities, and athletes shouldn’t be able to use guns. After all,
people
don’t kill people; guns kill people -- so by removing the guns from
those
bodyguards, those people will be safer than ever!
4)
We do need to make sure that
everyone gets a “working wage.” So, let’s raise the minimum wage to
$100 an
hour. We can start by raising the salaries of chauffeurs, gardeners,
nannies,
cooks, and maids in Hollywood and expand from there until we all make
at least
$100 an hour and will thus, be rich! But wait....if we were all rich,
then we’d
all be exploitive and evil....ah, that’s something to figure out in the
next
column.
5)
We do need to bring illegal aliens
“out of the shadows,” which is why any illegal aliens captured in
America who
aren’t immediately deported should be shipped to Berkeley or San
Francisco,
where they can live in peace, use the schools, and collect government
benefits
until their trials...well, if they show up for their trials.
6)
Union labor is important, which is
why liberal businesses should be legally obligated to ONLY use
unionized labor.
Granted, that might mean long delays, their competitors dramatically
undercutting them on costs, or even going out of business, but wouldn’t
that be
worth it for those people if they got to put more money in the pockets
of union
members?
7)
Fairness is very important. That’s
why we need to apply the Fairness Doctrine to newspaper editorial
pages, MSNBC,
Current TV, and the Huffington Post.
8)
We all know animals (and trees)
should have the same rights as human beings; so is it really worth it
to save
human lives if animals have suffered to make it possible? That’s why it
should
be illegal to sell liberals insulin, antibiotics, drugs that fight
AIDS/HIV and
any other medicines that were made possible by testing that was done on
animals.
9)
Let’s put salary caps in place to
keep rich guys from earning money that they don’t deserve. How about a
maximum
of $100,000 for any actor’s appearance in a film? That seems fair,
right?
Wouldn’t you agree to star in a major motion picture for $100,000?
10)
Increasing diversity is an
important goal; so we should set quotas to insure that every newspaper
staff in
America (and we can’t forget MSNBC) have as many minorities present as
there
are in the population. It would also be nice if Netroots Nation wasn’t
as white
as a snowstorm in Maine; so maybe next year some of those white,
liberal
attendees could give up their tickets to people of color.
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it at Townhall
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