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Townhall...
Rigor Please
By Mike Adams
For some time, I have made a habit of asking students their major (and
minor) immediately after they ask me a silly question. This is
necessary because I teach two basic studies courses per semester – both
populated by students from across the spectrum of academic disciplines.
I have found (consistently) that nearly all inane questions and
comments come from students in just a handful of academic majors.
In the past, I’ve gotten myself in hot water for suggesting that the
African American Center, LGBTQIA Center, Women’s Center, and El Centro
Hispano be shut down in order to ease our current state budget crisis.
But, today, I propose that we go further by eliminating all academic
majors and minors ending with the word “studies.”
This is not meant to be prejudicial – although, having little else to
do, the Arrogant American Centers will try to make it so. Let it be
known that I propose eliminating more than just Arrogant American and
Hyphenated American Studies. I also want to do away with Communication
Studies, Environmental Studies, Liberal Studies, Women’s Studies, and
Gay and Lesbian Studies. And I want the cuts to be implemented across
our sixteen-campus system.
The data I plan to use to support my proposal is not scientific. If it
were, the proponents of the various “studies” programs would not
understand it. So I rely principally on an unscientifically gathered
collection of stupid questions I have recently heard from students in
the Fill-in-the-Blank Studies era of higher education. These student
comments demonstrate that their “studies” professors are truly making a
difference in their lives and in the dominant “society”: *At a local
grill, the waitress, a UNCW “studies” major, asked “Would you like a
sweet tea or a beer?” to which I responded “The latter.” She then
asked, “Which one is that?” I responded by asking her “Well, why don’t
you just guess? You have a fifty-fifty shot at getting it right.” She
responded by saying “I’m not in the mood to think.”
*Just two days before an exam I gave my students a review session. I
told them they could ask any question as long as they did not ask me
what to “focus on.” I explained that asking what to “focus on” was the
same as asking “What is going to be on the test?”
First question: “What should we focus on in chapter three?”
When I refused to answer, the response was “There’s just so much to
read. Where is our study guide?” (For the record, study guides are most
often found in classes ending with the word “studies.” That is why
“studies” students so often demand them. It’s an addiction).
*Another student wrote to tell me she was going to be missing the next
class. Her question was:
“Will we be talking about anything important?” It’s a fair question.
Few of the professors in her major talk about anything important.
My response: No response. I simply deleted the email.
*I walked into class the other day and told students to stop emailing
me with questions that were already answered in the course syllabus –
noting that since it was over one month into the class it was simply
embarrassing for them to have not read the syllabus. I argued that
taking a class without reading the course syllabus was like taking a
job without reading the employment contract.
Later in the class a “studies” major asked “How many tests will we have
this semester?”
My response: “Read your syllabus.” (Note: She asked the same question
during the next class meeting apparently having forgotten that she
already asked the question).
* I recently asked this simple question of a product of one of our fine
and academically rigorous “studies” programs: “Did you re-take the GRE?
The answer: “No. I haven’t re-took it yet.”
*Here’s another brilliant question from someone who should be majoring
in Inappropriate Communication Studies: “We only have two minutes
before class begins. Do I have enough time to go to the restroom?”
My response: “I don’t know. I guess that depends on whether you plan to
go #1 or #2.”
*Student: “Can we have a study guide for the next test?
Me: “What is your major?”
Student: “Communication Studies.”
Me: “Is this a Communication Studies class?”
Student: “No.”
Me: “Well, there’s your answer.”
*This question came from a student who ought to be majoring in
Entitlement Studies: “Can I take the test earlier in the day - like
around ten o’clock?”
My response: “Yes, I plan to offer thirty different administrations of
the test – one for each of my students according to his or her personal
needs.”
Student: “Are you serious?”
Me: “No.”
*A new Entitlement Studies major would be fitting for the “studies”
student who asked this question: “Could you spell that guy’s name – the
one who came up with the theory you just mentioned?”
My response: “Sure. R-O-B-E-R-T.”
Her response: “Could you spell his last name, too?”
My response: “Sure. R-E-A-D—Y-O-U-R—B-O-O-K.”
Her response: “Is his name going to be on the test?”
*And, finally, here’s a great question from a student who has been
trained by the finest minds on the Fill-in-the-Blank Studies faculty:
“What is a propensity?”
My response: “It is a habit, predisposition, or inclination. For
example, people who choose majors or minors ending with the word
‘studies’ have a propensity to ask idiotic questions. But they do not
have a propensity to use the dictionary.” (OK, I didn’t actually say
that but I thought of it later and I can pretend I said it because it’s
my column).
Of course, not all of the stupid questions I get are from students
majoring or minoring in Something-or-Another Studies. But they do
dominate the field of stupidity in a way that reflects poorly on their
respective majors and the university. That is the reason why we need to
take a Darwinian approach by getting rid of these departments and
forcing these students to attempt to survive in a real academic
discipline.
The university will have a better student body after the
Fill-in-the-Blank Studies students have all flunked out. The patrons of
the local grill will also have more dedicated waitresses. Freed from
the rigors of college life the latter might eventually be moved to
think. That is, if the mood should suddenly strike them.
Read it at Townhall
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