“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Verities & Balderdash
For women… and rednecks
Edited by Bob Robinson 

One of the things I like about the Verities & Balderdash is that I can put just about anything I want together in one brief column… and they don’t even have to be related to each other. 

My first offering is one sent by a CNO reader who is evidently tired of all the “blonde” jokes… watch out, guys, you’re going to need a sense of humor to get through it. The second has been floating around the Internet for years and is for rednecks ONLY. If you don’t qualify, then you need to laugh at the idiot guy… then move on to something else. 

Oil Change instructions for Women: 

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change. 

2. Drink a cup of coffee. 

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change: $24.00, Coffee: Complementary 

TOTAL: $24.00 

Oil Change instructions for Men: 

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00. 

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home. 

3. Open a beer and drink it. 

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car. 

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 

7. Place drain pan under engine. 

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench 

9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 

10. Unscrew drain plug. 

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 

19. Remember drain plug from step 11. 

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan 

21. Drink beer. 

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 

25. Begin cussing fit. 

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent. 

28. Beer. 

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 

30. Beer. 

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 

32. Beer. 

33. Lower truck from jack stands. 

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 

35. Beer. 

36. Test drive truck. 

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 

38. Truck gets impounded. 

39. Call loving wife, make bail. 

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard. 

Money spent: 

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00 

TOTAL: $4,145.00 

But you know the job was done right! 

Now for the redneck ditty; if you haven’t seen it before AND you are a redneck, enjoy. Then send it to your redneck friends… 

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It’s time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I’d choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that’s what rednecks are made of. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Y’all know who ya are. 

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’ 

You might be a redneck if: You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. 

You might be a redneck if: You still say ‘Christmas’ instead of ‘Winter Festival.’ 

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays. 

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem 

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have. 

You might be a redneck if: You’ve never burned an American flag, nor intend to. 

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. 

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same. 

You might be a redneck if: You’d give your last dollar to a friend. 

You might be a redneck if: You believe in God & Jesus and believe that others have the right to believe in which ever God they believe in as long as their God does not tell them to kill anyone who does not believe the same as they do!!!!! 

Keep the fire burning, redneck friend. 

God Bless the USA! 

IN GOD WE TRUST 

Until next time, God Bless.