|
 |
From New Year jokes, funny stories & pictures...
Humor for the New Year
Funny New Year’s Eve
Jokes
An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to
make sure the old one leaves. Bill Vaughan
A New Year Prayer For
the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Dieting - New Year
Resolutions
2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200
pounds.
2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year’s Day Prayer
for One and All
Dear Lord
So far this year I’ve done well.
I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for
that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed,
and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
A New Year’s Wish
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every
husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth
living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the
bartender was almost crushed to death.
Lecture Tour with A
Difference
On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left
his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling
along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out
here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.
Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against
it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield
against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into
public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for
it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’
New Year Jokes - One
Liners
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were
negative.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I
gave up thinking.
Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.
Ten Indications of a
New Year Hangover
You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room
to “Stay still.”
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking
a glass of fresh paint.
The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give
it whirl!”
You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your
toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more
feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your catch phrase is, “Never again.”
You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the
bottles around your bed.
Your new response to “Good morning,” is “Be quiet!”
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a
cigarette.
‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken
responds.
‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right
now, I am in the middle of phase one.’
‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.
‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’
New Year’s Day Quotes
New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual
good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as
usual ... Mark Twain
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they
have no account ... Oscar Wilde
New Year’s Eve Party
- Phantom Guest?
Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous
guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door,
was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to
where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily,
chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on
his face. ‘You know,’ he confided to Trevor, ‘I wasn’t even invited to
this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your
guests’ cars are blocking my drive.’ He continued, ‘My wife’s
been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that
we can go out.’
New Year’s Day Party
- That Never Was?
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married
couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the
football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family,
and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to
the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously
even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek
and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that
the score was still 0-0.
‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’
New Year’s
Resolutions by Fido
I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all
over the back yard with it.
I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that
I am haemorrhaging.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
Auld Lang Syne
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700’s, it
was first published in 1796 after Burns’ death. Early variations of the
song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern
rendition. An old Scotch tune, ‘Auld Lang Syne’ literally means ‘old
long ago,’ or simply, ‘the good old days.’
Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the
first verse.
Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here’s a hand, my trusty friend
And gie’s a hand o’ thine
We’ll tak’A cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne.
For more jokes, funny stories and other items of entertainment, click here
|
|
|
|
