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Borowitz Report...
U.S. Sends Emergency
Shipment of Negative Ads to Egypt
Aid to Fledgling Democracy
Editor’s note: This was sent to CNO by a reader. He also had a rebuttal
to “Only in America.” The original reads as follows: 10) Only in
America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be
accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any
income taxes at all. The suggested revision reads as follows: 10) Only
in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes
complain about paying more when they already have over 90% of the
nation’s wealth. That said... here’s the Borowitz Report. Enjoy.
CAIRO (The Borowitz Report) – In what it is calling a mission to
support a fledgling democracy in the Middle East, the United States
this week sent an emergency shipment of negative ads to Cairo.
Explaining the secret mission, a State Department official said that
with its first democratic elections getting underway, “Egypt had no
access to the mother’s milk of any working democracy: vicious campaign
ads full of lies and distortions.”
Starting at dawn on Sunday, U.S. Army paratroopers descended on the
Middle Eastern nation armed with pamphlets, flyers, and DVDs of TV ads
full of libelous falsehoods about Egypt’s presidential candidates.
Harland Dorrinson, the U.S. Undersecretary of State for the Middle
East, said teaching Egyptian politicians the basics of character
assassination was “an important first step” in supporting democracy in
Egypt, but stressed that “much work still needs to be done.”
“Right now, there’s no apparatus for major companies to funnel billions
of dollars directly to political campaigns,” he said. “Until
corporations have total control over the outcome of elections, we won’t
be able to say that Egypt has a functioning democracy like ours.”
But Mr. Dorrinson remained upbeat, saying he has seen early signs that
democracy may be taking hold in Egypt: “Already, they’re calling one of
the presidential candidates a Muslim.”
Elsewhere, a new study shows that congressmen speak English at a 10th
grade level, which means that the U.S. is being governed by children
who were left behind.
Read this and other articles at the Borowitz Report
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