Maxine...

Hello -- I have some questions! 

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one? 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with? 

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? 

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 

Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’ 

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks? 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?