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The Death of
Common Sense
by Lori Borgman
March 15, 1998
Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am
mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. His
obituary reads as follows: Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life,
but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one
really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled
in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape. Known affectionately to
close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted
himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices,
helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and
hollering.
Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over
C.S. A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability
to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early
bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet.
C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you
earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the
kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little
fiber and orange juice).
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the
Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry
cultural and educational trends including disco, the men’s movement,
body piercing, whole language and new math. C.S.’s health began
declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the
If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus.
In the following decades, his waning strength proved no match for the
ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an
oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better
treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from
Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf.
His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance
policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for
kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope
mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an
honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch
were more than his heart could endure.
As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was
kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets
and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan
to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a
pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his
last.
Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in
death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one
son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.
Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational
Thought. Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.
This has been incorrectly attributed to a variety of people… get the
original writing here
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