Christmas Stories - 08
A Christmas Tale
By Ian Birket (Panikatak).  
December 12, 2011

Here is a contribution from a member of ‘Panikatak’, a very entertaining folk band who regularly play at the South Lakeland Storytelling Club. They write a lot of their own material and here is Ian Birket’s contribution to the Christmas meeting on December, 2nd. 2003. 

Santa was cross, he’d had a bad day.
His elves were on strike for more overtime pay.
Thay’d all been on strike since the end of the ‘fall’
They wanted a ‘National Elf Service’ for all. 

And Donner and Dancer and Cupid and Blitzen
had gone of in a ‘hoof’ since early last Whitsun’.
His lights wouldn’t flash and his bells wouldn’t ring
and his Jing wouldn’t Jang and his Jang wouldn’t Jing. 

He’d asked Mrs. Claus for the weather forecast
and wished Christmas present would become Christmas past.
Global warming has meant there’ll be no snow this year,
so she said, “Sorry my luv, there will just be ‘rain dear!” 

On top of it all, he’d the presents to sort
and political correctness had made the task fraught.
No dolls for the girls or guns for the boys,
no fireworks that bang or pollute with their noise. 

No harm to their teeth from a sweet or a lolly.
Nothing sexist or racial, like a doll or a Golly!
No books on religion or to do with the body,
no ‘Famous Five’ and nothing on ‘Noddy’! 

No caffeine filled drinks to cause tension and stress.
No glue and no paint, because of the mess.
No jigsaws with pieces that some kid could choke on
and nothing too fragile that would only get ‘broke-on’. 

No feathers or fur and nothing of leather.
Nothing too simple and nothing too clever.
Nothing too violent and nothing too scary.
Nothing Royalist or ‘Gay’, not a Queen or a ‘Fairy’! 

Nothing with e-numbers or colourings that might
bring them out in a rash or be hyperactive all night.
No balls and no bats which could injure or bruise
and nothing with bits they were certain to lose. 

No marbles or beads that a small child could fit
up its nose, in its ears or unmentionable bit.
And trees must be from a sustainable source
and the lights must be energy saving, of course! 

And gone were the days when all they would wish
was an apple, an orange and a wooden goldfish.
Now a video, computer and color TV
was what they all asked for when they sat on your knee. 

And he was tired and fed up of appearing so jolly
and he knew what he’d like them to do with their holly!
And he was sick of clambering about on those roofs
now he wasn’t as nimble as he was in his ‘yoof’. 

And he hated the folks who said, “No pets at all,
a puppy’s for life not for Christmas”, they call.
Well it’s OK for them with their fine protestations
but what can I do with five thousand Dalmations?!! 

In spite of it all, at the end of the night
he’ll have managed to give every child something right.
And he’ll sit by the fire with a big jug of beer
and wish you all, “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!” 

Read this article and more at The Storytelling Resource Centre