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Aha! Parenting
Gameplan for Positive
Parenting Your Teen
Positive parenting a teenager? A terrific teen who's responsible,
considerate, shows good judgment, at least most of the time? Yes, it is
possible! Here's your game plan, with 12 essential Tips.
You may not feel like you have much influence on your child these days,
but teens’ behavior is highly correlated with the strength of their
bonds with their parents.
Good relationships between teenagers and their parents, as rated by
both, are positively correlated with school success and general
happiness as rated by the teen, and also by those around her.
By contrast, weak or conflictual parent/teen relationships are
correlated with early sexual activity, experimentation with drugs and
alcohol, the teen's involvement in violence (as either perpetrator or
victim), and suicide.
How do you parent this blossoming person who sometimes seems to be
becoming a stranger?
12 Essential Tips:
1. Remember you're a parent, AND a friend.
Teens crave the security of knowing their parents understand them,
appreciate them, and love them no matter what--so they do want the
relationship to be a form of friendship. But they also need to feel
like they have some independence, so sometimes you may feel a bit shut
out. If you can navigate your closeness in an accepting way that
doesn't take advantage of your role as parent to tell your child what
to do, he's more likely to open up and share with you.
Does a close friendship erode your teen's respect for you? No. Don't
you respect your friends, and treasure those who are really there for
you emotionally? If you offer your teen respect, consideration, and
authenticity, that's what you'll receive in return.
And as close as you want to be to your teen, sometimes you will have to
pull rank and say No. If you're doing it often, that's a red flag that
something is wrong. But sometimes your teen will be looking to you to
set limits they can't set for themselves. Sometimes you'll need to
stick by your values and say no, whether that's to an unsupervised
party or a very late bedtime. And, of course, sometimes your teen will
be able to use your guidance to come up with a win-win solution that
answers your concerns.
2. Establish dependable together time.
Be sure to check in every single day. A few minutes of conversation
while you're cleaning up after dinner or right before bedtime can keep
you tuned in and establish open communication. Even teens who seem to
have forgotten who their parents are the other 23 hours a day often
respond well to a goodnight hug and check-in chat once they're lounging
in bed. In addition to these short daily check-ins, establish a regular
weekly routine for doing something special with your teen, even if it's
just going out for ice cream or a walk together.
3. Parent actively and appropriately.
Don’t invite rebellion by refusing to acknowledge that your son or
daughter is growing up and needs more freedom. But don’t be afraid to
ask where your kids are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be
doing. Get to know your kids’ friends and their parents so you’re
familiar with their activities.
4. Try to be there after school.
The biggest danger zone for drug use and sex isn't Saturday night; it's
between 3 and 6 PM on weekdays. Arrange flex time at work if you can.
If your child will be with friends, make sure there’s adult
supervision, not just an older sibling.
5. Keep your standards high.
Your teen wants to be his or her best self. Our job as parents is to
support our teens in doing that. But don't expect your child to achieve
goals you decide for her; she needs to begin charting her own goals
now, with the support of a parent who adores her just as she is and
believes that she can do anything she aims to. Support your teen's
passions and explorations as she finds her unique voice.
6. Make it a high priority to eat meals together
...as often as you can. Meals are a great opportunity to talk about the
days' events, to unwind, reinforce and bond. They're also your best
opportunity to keep in touch with your teen's life and challenges, and
to spot brewing problems. Finally, an important factor in kids'
happiness and overall success is whether they feel they get time to
"just hang out and talk" with parents every day. Click here for more on
Dinner.
7. Keep the lines of communication humming.
If you don't know what's going on, you lose all hope of influencing the
outcome. Click here for more on Becoming a Brilliant Listener, Getting
Your Kids to Talk with You, and Family Conversations your Teen Will
Love.
8. Encourage good self-care
...such as the nine and half hours of sleep every teen needs, and a
good diet. Coffee is a bad idea for early teens because it interferes
with normal sleep patterns. Too much screen time, especially in the
hour before bedtime, reduces melatonin production and makes it harder
for kids to fall asleep at night.
9. Continue family meetings.
Held regularly at a mutually agreed upon time, family meetings provide
a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements,
schedules, any topic of concern to a family member. Ground rules help.
Everyone gets a chance to talk; one person talks at a time without
interruption; everyone listens, and only positive, constructive
feedback is allowed. To get resistant teens to join in, combine the
get-together with incentives such as post-meeting pizza or ice cream,
or assign them important roles such as recording secretary or rule
enforcer. Click here for more on Family Meetings.
10. Keep kids safe and connected to the family by keeping computers in
your common space.
It can be hard for parents to track what teens do on line because they
usually know more about the computer than we do. But research shows
that he'll be less tempted to spend time doing things you'd disapprove
of if the computer is in a common space, where you can walk by and
glance at what he's doing. Kids live online these days, but he can
still stay connected to his family if online is in the heart of your
home.
11. Don't push your teen into independence before he's ready.
Every teen has his own timetable for blossoming into an independent
person. Real independence includes close relationships with others, and
it never needs to include rebelliousness. It is NOT healthy for your
child to feel that you're pushing him into independence -- that only
leads to him becoming overly dependent on the peer group for
validation. If he isn't ready to go to sleep away camp for a month,
then he isn't ready. Sooner or later, he will be. Respect his timetable.
12. Make agreements and teach your child to make repairs.
If you've raised your child without punishment, he will almost
certainly be close to you. Because he doesn't want to damage the trust
between you, he won't lie to you, and he won't usually infringe on your
limits. If he does, ask him how he can make repairs, including
repairing your trust.
13. What if you've raised your child with punishment, and now she's
breaking your rules and lying to you?
It's never too late to help her learn to take responsibility, but to
start, she has to value her relationship with you. That means you need
to stop punishing, and start listening and connecting. You also need to
insist that she find ways to make repairs. That's a tricky dance,
because punishment will make things worse, so she has to choose the
repair-- and yet you are still insisting that she do so. No, it's not a
punishment -- it's a way for her to make things better when she messes
up, which is what all adults need to learn to do. But she'll only
understand it this way if she wants to please you, so if you need to go
to counseling together to create that relationship, don't hesitate.
14. Stay connected even as she moves into the world.
If we've accepted our child's dependency needs AND affirmed her
development into her own separate person, she'll stay fiercely
connected to us even as her focus shifts to peers, high school and the
passions that make her soul sing.
It's appropriate for teens to want to spend more time with their peers
than their parents as they get older, but kids who are well grounded in
their families will respond well to parents' efforts to stay connected.
And parents who have bonded adequately with their children at each
earlier stage will feel invested enough in their teens to stay
connected, even if a lot of effort is required.
It’s critical, during the teen years, for parents to remain their
children’s emotional and moral compass. Kids will begin to experiment
with intimate relationships outside the family, but to do that
successfully, they still rely on those intimate relationships at home
remaining solid. That means that a 14 year old who focuses mostly
outwards is probably looking for something he wasn’t getting at home.
We need to invite our children to rely on us emotionally until they’re
emotionally ready to depend on themselves. Too often, in our culture,
we let teenagers transfer their dependency outside the family, with
disastrous results. Teens often give up a great deal of themselves in
pursuit of the closeness they crave, only to crash against the hard
reality that other teens aren’t developmentally able to offer them what
they need to flourish as independent young adults.
You may not be at the top of your teen's list nowadays, but work like
the dickens to stay close, and don't take it for granted that your
child will now push you away. That’s a sign of a damaged relationship.
Don't give up. It’s never too late in your relationship with your child
to do repair work and move closer.
For more information go to Aha! Parenting
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