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The Washington Post
Mom: I made 23
college visits with my twins. Yes, 23. Here’s what I learned.
By Valerie Strauss
August 6
There are millions of posts on the Internet about how, when, why and
where to take college visits with your college-bound student(s) to try
to narrow down the possibilities — but this one was written by someone
with unusual experience in the endeavor.
She is Lauren Kafka, a writer, English and ESOL private tutor,
editorial consultant and certified barbecue judge in Bethesda, Md., who
taught in the Montgomery County Public Schools for eight years. Kafka’s
twins, Adrienne and Julian Kafka, graduated in 2017 from Walt Whitman
High School in Bethesda, and she took 23 — yes, 23 — college visits
across the country to find the right school for each child.
This is Kafka’s best advice for anyone who will some day have to plan
and then take college trips. She has contributed articles to
washingtonpost.com, the Chronicle of Philanthropy, Museum News
Magazine, and America Online: Digital City Destinations. Before her
tenure as a Montgomery County teacher, she worked as a photo editor for
Agence France-Presse and a columnist for Twins magazine.
To prepare for sending her twins off to college in California and
Vermont, she just launched an Empty-Nest Movie Club.
[How college admissions has turned into something akin to ‘The Hunger
Games’]
By Lauren Kafka
The only thing our boy/girl high school twins knew for sure was that
they wouldn’t go to the same university. They’ve never been very close,
and they saw college as a great opportunity to get as far away from
each other as possible.
They were about halfway through eleventh grade when we had some
high-energy friends over for dinner. You know that dinner-party moment
– when in a fraction of a second a friend inadvertently makes you feel
like a totally delinquent parent: “You haven’t even started scheduling
college visits?” our guest asked.
“No,” I said sheepishly, relieved that my compulsive, super-organized
daughter was out with friends and didn’t overhear this conversation. “I
figure we have spring break and the summer. Won’t that be enough time?
How complicated is it?”
She said she worked on the project for months and created elaborate
spreadsheets with details about each college, information-session and
tour times, financial-aid deadlines, etc. “A lot of the tours fill up
quickly, so if I were you, I’d get started as soon as possible.”
Up until that time, it seemed like most of the so-called experts who
offered advice about the college-planning process had one major theme:
Encourage your children to start taking responsibility for their own
lives. They should be the ones to communicate with the admissions
office, sign up for tours, figure out what type of transportation
they’re going to use to get to the schools, and fill out their own
financial-aid forms.
A high school guidance counselor who spoke to parents at our kids’
school told us that college admissions staff keep close track of
whether students contact them directly or whether parents are the ones
filling out the online tour reservations and calling their office with
questions.
A few lucky students are celebrating multiple Ivy League acceptances
and large financial aid rewards as they prepare for college next fall.
(Reuters)
“Some admissions staff members care more about whether your kid does
his own laundry than how many AP classes he takes,” the counselor
advised us. “It’s all about how independent and self-sufficient they
are.” I tried to imagine my teenage twins working together to plan a
college trip involving airfare, hotels, multiple tours, and a rental
car. They rarely agree on which one gets to use the bathroom first
before school. The logistics were daunting.
Like most over-scheduled, college-bound students, our kids were totally
stressed out by the myriad anxieties of junior year. My son was taking
five AP classes, playing on the tennis team, participating in drum
line, and working as the assistant lighting director for the school’s
drama department. My daughter was in three AP classes, six dance
classes, and two a cappella groups. She was also director and
choreographer of a one-act play, and she was trying to do a few
part-time jobs in her spare time. They frequently didn’t start their
homework until after 10:30 p.m.
I knew I was going to have to coordinate the travel arrangements, so I
started checking web sites and trying to find inexpensive airfares and
motels within walking distance to campuses they wanted to visit.
Overall, my family was pretty happy with our cheap-but-clean
lodging–except for a shabby motel near the University of Southern
California. The stale, tobacco-infused odor, saggy mattresses, and
carpet stains were depressing enough, but then someone flushed the
toilet, which sounded like a feral cat with gastro-intestinal problems.
Fortunately, we were there for only one night.
To help all of us get a break from the monotony of the tours and the
pressures of the decision-making process, I tried to turn each
college-visit trip into a mini-vacation by scheduling some
entertainment as well as downtime with friends and relatives. We toured
eight schools in 10 days in southern California over spring break while
visiting my brother and his wife. Then we did a Virginia/North Carolina
sweep in June followed by a spectacular Dixie Chicks concert. We
managed to do some house-sitting for my brother-in-law during a
whirlwind tour of New England schools in July. My children agreed, for
economic reasons, to travel together to each other’s favorite schools
even if they had no interest in them. From there, their approaches
diverged dramatically–as they have ever since they left my womb.
Adrienne started working on her college essays in July, which he
thought was ridiculous. Julian began some of his essays only days
before they were due. She sought the advice of a professional college
counselor. He didn’t really see the point in that. She applied early
decision to her dream school, Claremont McKenna, in sunny southern
California, got accepted in December, and had the chance to relax for
most of her senior year. He chose not to apply early anywhere,
routinely hit the send button between 11:52 p.m. and 11:57 p.m. before
midnight application deadlines, and had some last-minute crisis
situations when his computer crashed, or we lost our Wi-Fi connection.
You can probably guess who was teasing whom in January.
Although my husband and I, both professional journalists, agreed to
help by editing essays, we sometimes got fed up with his
down-to-the-wire submissions, so we occasionally tiptoed out to movies
on deadline nights. We remember some frantic texts when he was having
trouble sending a percussion video to one school’s music department,
but ultimately, he successfully applied to 13 schools.
True to form, he waited until April 29th to choose – and, no surprise,
he decided to go to the opposite corner of the continental United
States from his sister. He earned a sizable scholarship to attend the
Honors College at the University of Vermont in the charming town of
Burlington between the Adirondack and Green Mountains. On his
picturesque campus overlooking stunning Lake Champlain, his season ski
pass will cost $300, and a shuttle will pick him up at his dorm and
deliver him to the slope of his choice.
I don’t consider myself an expert on the college-search process, but I
have learned a lot since we began this complicated and intense
adventure 17 months ago. I’m also extremely proud of the thoughtful
research my kids did as well as their organizational efforts and
stamina while writing essays, gathering recommendations, and completing
applications. I’m ecstatic and relieved that things all worked out so
well for them, and I’m confident that someday–possibly after they
recover from this past year or maybe after they graduate–they’ll fully
realize what a tremendous privilege and opportunity attending college
is.
*We started 529 college-savings accounts for our twins when they were
less than one year old. By the time they were 18, these funds almost
covered one year of their college education. We’ll be liquidating quite
a bit of our retirement savings to pay for college, praying for help
from generous grandparents, and possibly taking out some loans. I
recommend finding a savvy investment advisor early on and putting away
as much money as you possibly can as soon as you can.
*The FAFSA is the federal financial-aid application, and the College
Scholarship Service profile is required by families who apply for
financial aid from private schools. If you plan to fill out
financial-aid forms, I suggest doing so with the help of a financial
advisor. This project took our advisor and me about five hours to
complete. Make sure you type in social security numbers and other key
info correctly because one wrong digit can cost dozens of extra hours
of headaches. I suggest doing these in early October of your child’s
senior year just in case he or she decides to apply early decision, or
you have any snags in the application process.
*Although you don’t need to create spreadsheets, you probably do want
to plan a few months ahead for college visits, especially in areas of
the country where you plan to be for a limited amount of time. Spring
break is the most popular time to visit schools when college classes
are in session, and some tours fill up quickly. Insist on some
substantial research before you start booking flights and hotel
reservations. If your child wants to visit only colleges that are a
huge stretch, encourage him or her to add more realistic schools to the
list.
*If you’re on a tight budget, you might insist that your child visit
only the schools he or she is admitted to. If this is your plan, keep
in mind that admitted-students’ visiting days usually require a lot
more time than regular college visits. We spent seven hours at the
University of Vermont, for example, after my son was admitted. You’ll
also have a much shorter window for travel because most college
decisions go out in late March and early April, and the deadline for
students to commit to most schools is May 1st.
*Parking at some schools is tricky. There are special lots designated
for visitors, and they often require permits that you pick up after you
arrive at the school, so be sure to factor in this time. If there’s any
way to find lodging close enough to the schools so that you can walk or
take a shuttle to the starting point for the tour, this might be less
time-consuming, and you’ll get a better sense of what it’s like to
stroll around the campus.
*Try not to pack more than two schools into one day. Especially if you
want to sit in on some classes, eat a meal in the dining room, visit an
academic department, or do anything else on campus, leave yourself a
little extra time before you have to rush off to the next school. If
your student wants to schedule interviews at schools that offer them,
plan on being there a bit longer, and remind him or her to pack
interview clothing.
*Although you’ll get quite sick of them by the end, and you might feel
qualified to start walking backwards, like the student guides, and
giving tours yourself, I do recommend participating in both the
information sessions and the campus tours. This makes timing a bit of a
Rubik’s cube if you’re visiting multiple schools because you really
need to plan to be on each campus for about three hours. Most tours are
led by students. The information sessions are led by admissions office
staff. Wherever your child goes, unless he or she gets a full
scholarship, you’ll be making a substantial financial investment. Try
to get as much information as you can while you’re there, but realize
that most questions you ask during the tours and information sessions
will probably embarrass your kid. Grab business cards when they are
offered; you can email your questions later, and your child will never
know what you asked.
*If you know someone at the school you’re visiting, contact the person
ahead of time. Try to set up a quick meeting for coffee or lunch. The
tour guides and admissions staff members are trying to sell the school.
The students, faculty, coaches, and support staff who are not on the PR
team might give you more honest answers about a school’s drawbacks.
*If you have time, try to sit in on some lectures, see a theater or
dance production, attend an athletic event, listen to a concert or a
cappella performance, or observe some other extra-curricular event
related to your kid’s interests. Check out some gyms and art studios.
Save time to see the town or city. Try the sushi or pizza in a local
restaurant. Sample the bubble tea or latte in a campus café. Go for a
walk or a bike ride on or near the campus. Get the vibe of the place.
*You’ll hear this advice a dozen or more times, but I can’t emphasize
how essential it is. There is no perfect college or university for your
child. Some students love the student-teacher ratio at small
liberal-arts colleges, and they want to be taught by professors rather
than graduate students. Others prefer the anonymity of large lecture
halls, and they want all the benefits and resources a large university
offers. Some kids care about school spirit; others want plenty of
vegetarian and vegan options in the dining room. What is absolutely
crucial to you might be completely unnecessary for your child. While
it’s exciting to fall in love with a campus or a school, it’s always
best to have multiple options and safety schools.
Remember that if you have more than one child, they will probably
approach the college-search process in different ways. Try to embrace
the chaos and cope with the pushes and pulls during a year when your
child may desperately want to be independent but might not feel 100
percent confident about leaving the security and comfort of the nest.
Be there to support them, help them stay calm, urge friends and
relatives not to nudge them about decisions prematurely, and bite your
tongue when you feel your own biases might be getting in the way.
Remember that the decision really is theirs–even if you’re the one
writing the jaw-dropping checks.
A few weeks ago, the same friend who prepped us on how to get organized
and schedule college visits invited us to dinner. We were delighted to
share with her the fabulous news that the college search for our twins
was over, and both kids were thrilled with their choices.
“Have you reserved rooms yet for graduation weekend?” she asked during
hors d’oeuvres. “I suggest you do that now because hotels fill up
really early.”
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