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Family Events...
Friendship struggles
all part of the game
By Marybeth Hicks
07/14/11
A week ago, my teenaged son, Jimmy, announced he was headed down the
street to play one-on-one basketball with his lifelong pal, John. “This
is it,” he said confidently. “I’m finally going to beat him.”
Jimmy and John have had a rivalry on the driveway since they were old
enough to tie their own sneakers. But in all those years, Jimmy has
never been the champ, despite the fact that he is now roughly 6’3” and
John topped out at about 5’10.”
Nobody drives to the basket like John.
Now that they’re entering their senior year in high school, the
driveway duels are always fun even if my son still hasn’t pried victory
from the jaws of defeat. Their games have been a great tool to practice
sportsmanship, especially when they play deep into the night thanks to
the “win by two” rule.
Of course, over the years, driveway pick-up games also presented some
social challenges, especially when other friends joined the boys.
Adolescent angst from days gone by
I remember one episode several years ago that started on the driveway
but ended in a heap of frustration (and even some tears, truth be told)
at our kitchen table.
It was dusk on a summer evening and the back door slammed shut. Seconds
later Jimmy stomped across the kitchen and into the dark living room,
where he sank dejectedly onto the sofa.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, since obviously something was wrong.
“Nothing,” my son said from the shadows.
Clearly this was a “nothing” that really meant, “please ask again.” So
I pressed him, “Oh come on. Just tell me what happened.”
“The same thing that always happens,” he said, trading his seat in the
dark for a chair at the kitchen table where I sat with my teenage
daughters. His face was red and sweaty and he fought back a lump in his
throat as he talked.
“What always happens?” I asked, disconcerted that something was
happening with the frequency of “always,” about which I was completely
unaware.
“Whenever we’re playing and there are three of us guys, it always turns
out that the other two start picking on me and giving me a hard time.
It’s always two against one. No one ever takes my side. Never.”
Hmmm. Never is pretty often. I dug in to figure out the source of the
problem. With some prodding, my son poured out his tale of woe.
Jimmy, John and another buddy were playing driveway basketball. The
buddy started picking on Jimmy. John laughed along. Jimmy got defensive
and emotional. They teased him for being defensive and emotional.
Then they went inside to play a board game. The teasing cycle started
anew until finally Jimmy gave up and came home. “They didn’t even care
about the Monopoly game,” he anguished. “I had to move their pieces
around the board and everything.”
And they say pre-teen girls are melodramatic.
Friendship struggles are all part of the game
Of course, drama and friendship struggles aren’t reserved just for
girls. Virtually all children feel the sting of teasing from their
pals, prompting some parent in history to conjure the phrase “sticks
and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me.”
Whoever thought of that ditty may have meant well, but we modern
parents know that nothing could be further from the truth.
I was just about to kick into a higher parenting gear to lead a
brainstorming session on “things Jimmy could have done other than get
mad at his friends,” when the phone rang. Sure enough it was John,
calling to apologize for the teasing. Jimmy said he was sorry, too, for
over-reacting and getting so mad. They agreed to lighten up and to hang
out the next day.
A thirty-second phone call resolved the situation far better than my
maternal musings about friendship.
When he came back to the kitchen, my son was a new person; his
pessimism was gone, and instead he was filled with the confidence that
comes when friends reassure you that they care about you.
Unfortunately, children don’t usually call to say they’re sorry. This
is why it’s essential for our kids to learn the rules of the friendship
game: forgiveness, good humor, kindness and empathy — and apply those
rules even when their pals don’t.
It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes maturity and
experience to learn that even good friends might sometimes hurt your
feelings. Hard as it is to imagine, our children may even look back one
day and laugh about it... right before they head down to play another
game of basketball.
Thanks for reading and sharing Family Events!
Take good care until next week,
Marybeth
Last week: Lots of comments about the age for facebook. Check them out
at Family Events. This week’s question: Kids can be cruel to each other
and adolescent friendships are typically tumultuous. What’s your best
advice to guide kids through these social stuggles? Share your insights
on our Family Events Facebook page.
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