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Broke Wife, Big City
Adventures in
puppy-sitting
By Aprill Brandon
It is 2:30 on Thursday afternoon. I am sitting at the computer,
attempting to type this around my almost 40-pound dog, who is
struggling to sit on my not-nearly-big-enough lap. I am still in the
sweatpants I slept in, hair in the same messy bun I went to bed in and
my face still has the remnants of yesterday’s eyeliner. To my left is
an 11-pound puppy who is desperately and energetically trying to also
jump on my lap. And to my immediate right is the giant screwdriver I
just made with a generous dose of really cheap vodka.
Maybe I should start at the beginning.
Last week, a friend asked my husband and I if we would watch her dog
for a couple of days while she went out of town. Considering my
schedule consisted mostly of plans to write this column (but really use
the time to Facebook bomb as many people as I could...you're welcome,
everyone), I said "Eh, why not?"
Now Leelou (full name: Leelou Dallas Multipass Mulligan) is an
absolutely adorable puppy of that breed of small dogs that look
concerned all the time. She is also besties with my dog Buffy (full
name: Buffy Anne Summers Brandon Huddle the First), or at least as
close to besties as two creatures who think sniffing each other's rears
for three hours is an appropriate greeting can be.
So, naturally, I figured this little adventure in puppysitting would be
a breeze.
HA! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! (Snort) Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!
(Semi-sob)
Alas, I forgot one crucial thing. Taking care of one dog? Easy-peasy.
Taking care of two dogs? A good start if you want to kick off that
descent into madness with a bang.
See, while both Leelou and Buffy are essentially good dogs at heart, it
was their combination that was the problem. For instance, if Leelou
woke up at 2 a.m., Buffy would wake up at 2:00:03 a.m. And then both of
them would have to spend the next 20 minutes repositioning themselves
on the bed (such as whichever one was sleeping directly on my face
would move to my feet and vice versa).
If Leelou wanted to play with a toy, Buffy also wanted to play with a
toy. In fact, he wanted to play with the exact same one
that...SURPRISE!...Leelou had. If Leelou heard someone three houses
down sneezing and decided it was a threat to all our well-beings, she
would start barking as though the house was on fire. This barking would
alert Buffy that he too needed to bark, only much louder and at an
urgency that is usually reserved for when Vikings are invading your
apartment.
If Leelou wanted to play the canine version of Fight Club, Buffy would
make sure it got elevated to Thunderdome status. If Leelou had an
accident in the house, Buffy felt compelled to...ahem..."clean it up"
before I got there with paper towels in hand.
It finally got so bad that I decided to put both of them in their cages
so I could have just a few moments of peace. Sadly, even that
backfired. Now, I’ve never given birth. But I’m pretty sure the
opposite of it is an apt comparison of trying to shove an unwilling dog
into their cage. And I'm pretty sure the opposite of giving birth to a
full-sized gorilla is an apt comparison of trying to do that twice.
So, by 2:30 on Thursday, I hadn't had time to shower. I had spent most
of the morning trying to prevent Leelou from eating something inedible
and the rest of my day trying to prevent Buffy from eating whatever
Leelou left behind. There was a never-ending game of "jump on Aprill's
lap and delete whatever she just spent the last 30 minutes typing"
(although they did stop occassionally to bark at yet something else
that wasn't actually there) and my house was littered with dog toys of
every type imaginable.
It was enough to make even this die-hard dog lover question whether or
not having pets was worth it.
But then, just when I couldn't take it anymore, both of them finally
got tired and laid down. And eventually fell asleep. Cuddled together.
Looking so sweet I'm pretty sure I got a cavity just by glancing at
them.
And I realized it was those moments that made all the craziness worth
it.
Then again, it could have just been the really cheap vodka kicking in.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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