From the Other Side of the Edge….
Arrogance and Ignorance, Both Make Bad Law.
By Joe Facinoli 

Marriage does not need to be defended.   It is ingrained within the human spirit, in our hearts, and deep inside our souls.   

Marriage doesn’t need to be justified by law, although every state in the U.S. has claimed that authority.  

It doesn’t need religion, either, even though every organized church will claim it as their God given “right” to bestow.   

And every high book of scripture, in every major faith, carefully lists detailed instructions, requirements, and rubrics, as to how these joinings should take place, how they should proceed, who is qualified, and even how they should be consummated.  

Some even allow for men to have more than one wife, and often, quite a few more.    Some of them even insist on this practice, while at the same time, in the same ambiguous book, branding any woman as an adulteress, and condemning her to death by stoning, should she dare try to pull off the same stunt, herself. 

All of which makes the Defense of Marriage Act (D.O.M.A.) one of the most arrogant laws (not to mention, unconstitutional) ever passed in this country.   Pretending to ban same sex marriage is simply an overreach, and a denial of common sense, if not human rights.  

Marriage has nothing to do with government, nor religion.   Despite the loud and angry, histrionic protests of both.   

The hypocrisy of it all.  

No, marriage is not about any of that which ruling authorities, and organized religions, want it to be.    It is about a deep and abiding partnership;  it is about sharing with, and caring for, one’s partner;  it is about doing with, and doing for, the one you’ve chosen to be with, …..for a lifetime.  

It is about commitment, to a life together with another person, special beyond all others.  And most importantly, and most passionately,…..it is about LOVE.   And really, only Love.   No matter whom your partner may be.   

When these so very precious elements all exist in one place, they form a bond between two people which is stronger than any government can sanction, and greater than any religion can anoint.   

The Defense of Marriage Act is the last breath of a dinosaur so long extinct that it doesn’t even remember how to breathe, merely acting out of instinct and habit, before passing on to a dark corner, deep in history, alongside other great ideas like:    temperance, denial of women’s suffrage, and even slavery.   

D.O.M.A. isn’t good law, and it certainly isn’t good social policy or dogma.   Because there is no fairness within it, nor a shred of justice, and it just isn’t even right.    

Only the same old, tired arrogance, ignorant of all that is fair and good and right, for all people, everyday people, living real, everyday lives.   

Those who defend D.O.M.A., continue to surrender to the strict adherence of outdated thinking, and to the teachings of tired old men, and some women, with their tired old, out of touch principles, who just don’t understand that for a society to be real, and vital, and to maintain, it must constantly adjust.   

Saying something is socially right because it’s “always been that way”, or is a “pillar of civilization”, is a cop out, pure and simple, and doesn’t even make sense.   

How were the pyramids built?   The Great Wall of China, and the Roman aqueducts?  And certainly the American South, which fueled the American North, during the 17th and 18th centuries?  

All accomplished by another of the great “pillars of civilization”, that was around for centuries:   That would be of course,……Slavery.   

Just because something seems to have worked for a long time (even though actually forced upon the people), and just because it’s “always been there”, and someone very revered (who we generally don’t really know that much about) from long ago, has passed down from “on high” that a certain activity should “always be done this way”, does NOT make it correct, nor the right thing for a people to be doing.   And certainly NOT to be perpetuating.   

Let’s look at two people.   

First, a good friend of mine.    His name is not important, but what is important here is the thought he put in my head many years ago, about his social, as well as his biological status.   

A terrific salesman and manager, and one of the most sarcastically funny, and self-deprecating souls you will ever meet, he never lacks for friends, work, nor social interaction.   

What he did lack, was meaningful companionship.   You see, although my friend was always honest with me, about his sexual orientation, he was not with others, feeling he could not, and still maintain his group, his social standing, and his job.   This was maybe twenty five years ago.   

He struggled with the conflict, living two lives really, as so many other gays did at that time.   He tried to date, but that was always problematic, for many reasons.   And he could never really talk about his “real” social life, among his workmates.   

One day, as he and I were having one of our usual multi-layered conversations, I dared broach the subject as to why some people were this way, while others were not, and just how did this “affliction” come about.   Why don’t gay people “try” to be straight, and why do they go through this life style pursuit, when it would be so much easier for them, if they would just to give it up.   

I was naively advancing, probably to his amusement, the notion that genetics and DNA play only a very rigid role in the sexuality of all humans, and that we only have two choices:   boys, who only like girls, ….and girls, who only like boys. 

 I was very stupid, at that time  

But he was ready, with the best answer I could have ever expected.   He said simply:   “Joe, if I had any choice, any at all, would I ever want to be this way?  And would I ever think of putting myself through all this demeaning aggravation, social heartache, and constant emotional distress, if I didn’t have to????” 

There it was.   That changed my mind immediately, and I have never forgotten his words.  Because I trusted his honesty, I believed him, and his real world theory, from his own real life experience, wholeheartedly.   Since then, science has begun to give us proof that my friend is correct.   

He eventually found happiness, with a good partner, and will probably marry sometime, now that his home state of Maryland has approved same sex marriage.   And why shouldn’t they?   It’s only right.  

Another who found happiness was Edie Windsor.    After over 40 years together, living in New York, she married her beloved female partner, Thea Spyer, in Canada in 2007.   Sadly, Thea died two years later, just before NY passed their approval of same sex marriage. 

Thea, as good and loving partners do, left all her worldly property and possessions to Edie, in her will.   Worth quite a tidy sum, too, because the federal government soon swooped in, and exercising the cruelest, most unfair tax ever conceived, demanded $360K from Ms. Windsor, as her payment for the vicious “Death Tax” the feds love to implement.   

Since these ladies were not legally married in the U.S., at the time of Thea’s passing, these “gifts” were ripe for the taxing, and collect it they did.   

But, in an ironic twist of cruelty all its own, if Edie had been married to a man, no problema, all monies and property would have come her way, free and clear! 

In other words, nearly five decades of love and devotion, to the same person, meant absolutely nothing to the high and mighty federals.   

What is that all about???   It certainly ain’t about fairness, nor justice, or anything!!!    What governmental department should even have jurisdiction?   Treasury?  IRS?  Justice?    Health and Human Services??   Hell, Education?   I have no idea.   

Hopefully, The Supreme Court (where Edie’s case against the feds, to get her money back, has now landed) will show more wisdom than Congress has here (although, that’s a pretty low bar), and more than the 38 states who currently ban same sex marriage.  Their decision, hopefully fair for a change, will be rendered later this spring.   

My Number ONE personal tenet in life is:   “Do the Right Thing”.   

When all other lines of thought fail us, when the common sense defense regarding a happening or situation seems ready to give way, ……ask yourself, as an audience of one:  

“Is this really the best way to go?   Is it really, honestly, fair for all involved?   Is this truly the right thing to do?”   

If you are completely and openly honest with yourself, and only yourself, and not thinking about all the books and speeches and pontifications that have overly influenced you for years, whether you’ve ever thought about it much before now, or not, …….you will find the right answer.  

It’s right inside of you, and it’s looking right at you, from the mirror.   

Show neither arrogance, nor ignorance, when trying to find the right way.      Just be Right.   It’s the only way.  

Joe Facinoli 

(Joe can be reached at:  joefacinoli@gmail.com )

Intelligent response encouraged! 

© Copyright 2013, Joe Facinoli