|
Broke
Wife, Big City
'Twas
a month before Christmas
By
Aprill Brandon
'Twas
a month before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a
creature was stirring, except for my husband (who was hunting a
mouse).
The
traps were all placed in the kitchen with care
In
the hopes that a dead rodent soon would be there.
I was
nestled all snug in my bed
While
visions of eggnog danced in my head
But
Ryan in his PJ's, armed with those silly traps
Refused
to stop 'til he won against those rats
When
suddenly, BOOM! There arose such a clatter
I
fell (gracefully) out of bed to see what was the matter
Away
to the kitchen I stumbled all lady-like
(Cause
sweatpants are always classy, am I right?)
Stumbling
over discarded tools, never a good sign
I
looked around to find that husband of mine
When
what to my wondering eyes should appear
But
him laying on the floor, on his face a big sneer
"I
found him, babe! I have him caught under here!"
He
declared, so happy his victory was near
But
alas, the poor man was about to lose face
Because
soon a half dozen more took its place
Now,
look here Mighty! And you too, Minnie and Mickey!
And
don't think I forgot you, the Brain and Pinkie!
You
guys are all over, coming out of the walls
And I
want to bash your stupid heads, bash away them all
Get
the hell outta my house, you tiny ugly moles
You
rejects of nature, you hamsters without souls
You've
invaded our home for much, much too long
And
the way you've invaded our life is just simply wrong
Because
it's the same thing every single night
The
scurrying and pawing happening just out of sight
And
us laying in bed, seething at the thought
Of
the havoc and ickiness you have wrought
And
trust me, no lie, I used to feel bad for you
Buying
humane traps and making much ado
About
how your stupid little lives mattered too
A
decision I have quickly come to rue
Because
your eyes! How evil and so beady!
Your
tails, ugh, so gross! Your motives how seedy!
Your
stupid little mouths and your need to pee
Not
to mention poop on every surface I can see
Thanks
to you jerks I now compulsively clean
A
habit now I don't think I'll ever ween
Going
to Lady MacBeth lengths, until I've bloody hands
While
you laugh and mock and take over the land
But
while you have won the battles thus far
We'll
win the war and rule like demonic czars
Turning
our house into a mecca of death
Hunting
you down like addicts looking for meth
Cause
while you may have evaded all our tricks
Never
taking the bait and getting your kicks
From
outsmarting us and making us look daft
Live
it up because, trust me, we'll have the last laugh
So
forget poison and those glue traps as well
Because
our next idea is downright next to swell
And
I'm not lying when I say you'll be quite smitten
With
the fact I'm going out and adopting a litter of kittens
Can’t get
enough of
Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her
website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
|
