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Broke Wife, Big City
The 10 Canine
Commandments
By Aprill Brandon
There comes a time in your relationship with your pet where you have to
lay down the law. For me, that time was last week, when my dog, Buffy,
almost ripped my arm out of its socket because he saw a SQUIRREL!
Ignoring my pleas of "Stop it! Now! You are so grounded!" as I
half-stumbled/half-ran behind him, Buffy broke the silent agreement we
had (or at least I thought we had) that he would obey my every command
without question (much like the silent agreement I think I have with my
husband).
See, while dogs may be man's best friend, for women, they are more like
children... or in some cases, a boyfriend with a really low IQ.
As such, I had to get Buffy and me on the same page in terms of who was
running this show. And so, I climbed high onto the couch and read Buffy
the following 10 Canine Commandments:
I am the Human, your Owner, who brought you out of the land of Shelter.
Thou shall have no other owners before me.
Thou shall not make any other Human your idol. Thou shall not bow down
to them or lick their nose in an affectionate manner; for I am a
jealous Owner.
Thou shall not bark in vain, such as when thou hears a noise anywhere
within the tri-state area. Thou shall bark should a serial killer named
Meatclaw enter thy house.
Observe the ball and go fetch it, as I, the Human, your Owner, has
commanded you. For six times straight you shall do this, resting on the
seventh, for your Owner is now bored and no longer wants to play.
Honor your mother and father so that your days may be long and not
filled with newspaper swats.
Thou shalt not kill, unless it is a spider in the house, in which case,
your Owner commands you to eat it, for spiders are an abomination in my
eyes.
Thou shall not commit adultery unless thou has been neutered.
Thou shall not steal your Owner's underwear from the hamper and drag it
out in front of company. Nor shall thou think it is a game when thy
Owner tries to retrieve the underwear and run around the house in a
playful manner, underwear still firmly entrenched in your mouth.
Thou shalt not poop in thy neighbor's yard.
Thou shalt not covet thy dog down the street's bone, or squeaky toy, or
half-eaten dead bird, or pile of poo, or non-neutered and spayed body
parts.
P.S. In case you were wondering, there are also commandments for cats,
which are as follows:
1. Thou shalt not lay on my face in the middle night in an effort to
smother me to death.
2. Please.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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