Broke
Wife, Big City
The
Credit Card Twilight Zone
By Aprill Brandon
By
reading this, you’re traveling through
another dimension. A dimension, not only of sight and sound, but of the
contents of your wallet. A journey into a heinous land whose boundaries
are
only those of your credit limit. Next stop-the Credit Card Zone.
The
place is here. The time? Now. Street scene:
Summer. A woman is on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth as she talks
on her
cell phone. Age: 31. Occupation: Hack writer who steals formulas from
1950’s
television series.
Meet
Aprill Brandon, a fiscally irresponsible
woman with a penchant for ridiculously high heels. In just a moment,
Mrs.
Brandon will enter a world where logic and reason have no meaning. A
world where
only confusion, misdirection and “Sorry, lady, that’s not my
responsibility”
reign. For an otherwise ordinary day, this simple phone call is about
to take a
turn for the worse.
“Hello.
Please enter your 16-digit credit card
code.”
1234-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX
“Thank
you. For security purposes, please enter
the last four digits of your social security number.”
5XXX
“Thank
you. All our available operators are
currently busy. Please wait for the next available operator.”
Doo-doo-doo-dah-dah-dah-bum-da-doo-dah…
(45
minutes later…)
“Hello.
This is Steve. Welcome to customer
service. How can I help you today?”
“Hi,
I’m calling about the debt cancellation
policy I signed up for when I first got this credit card. I keep
getting
charged each month for it, which is making it hard to pay off my card
and so
I’d like to cancel it.”
“All
right, ma’am. We don’t handle those
policies so I’m going to transfer you to the third party company that
does.
You’ll be redirected to a menu and when it prompts you, you’ll want to
choose
Option Three, OK?”
“OK.
Thank you.”
“Hello.
Welcome to Account Protection Services.
If you are calling about your payment status, press One. If you are
calling
about processing a claim, press Two. To return to the main menu, press
Nine.”
“Um…[hits
the three button]“
“I’m
sorry. I do not understand this command.
If you are calling about your payment status, press One…”
“…[hits
the one button]…”
“Hello.
This is Linda. How may I help you
today?”
“Hi,
Linda. I’m trying to cancel my debt
cancellation policy for my credit card. I was transferred to an
automated menu
by customer service and pressed Option One and I got you.”
“OK.
Well, we’re not the ones in charge of
those policies so I’m going to transfer to you to the department that
handles
that. You’ll be redirected to a menu and you’ll want to choose Option
Three.”
“Oh,
but wait, the last time…”
“Hello.
Welcome to Account Protection Services.
If you are calling about your payment status, press One. If you are
calling
about processing a claim, press Two. To return to the main menu, press
Nine.”
(Two
hours later…)
“Hello.
This is Haashim. How may I help you
today?”
“OK,
look. I know this isn’t your fault but
I’ve been on the phone all afternoon and have been transferred to at
least 15
different departments or in some cases, completely different companies.
I’m
just trying to cancel the debt cancellation policy on my credit card.
But I
keep getting sent to a menu where I’m told to choose Option Three. Only
there
is no Option Three. There is never an Option Three. All I want is to
talk to a
human being who can cancel this policy. Can. You. Cancel. This. Policy?”
“Oh,
I’m very sorry to hear about all your
trouble, Mrs. Brandon. Unfortunately, we do not have the power to
cancel the
policy in this department. I suspect, however, the other operators were
transferring you to the wrong menu. Let me transfer you to another
menu, which
should have Option Three.”
“BUT
THERE IS NO OPTION THREE! THERE’S NEVER AN
OPTION THREE!”
“One
moment, please…”
“Hello.
Welcome to Account Protection Services.
If you are calling about your payment status, press One. If you are
calling
about processing a claim…”
“(Rocking
back and forth)…There is no Option
Three…There is no Option Three…There is no…”
Aprill
Brandon. Age: 31. All she wanted was to
begin a new life of fiscal responsibility. But in the end, it turns out
the
price for such a goal was her sanity.
It
can happen…in the Credit Card Zone.
Can’t
get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until
next week?
Check
out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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