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Broke Wife,
Big City
Top
10 Perks of Being Pregnant
By
Aprill Brandon
10.
People will always insist you sit down. Your mom, your significant
other, your co-workers, even the 98-year-old man with scolosis on the
subway will get up and insist you sit down. Already sitting down? No
worries. They will then insist that you lie down. Being pregnant, it
is practically your JOB to be lazy. That is, unless you listen to
"some" people who will insist you stay physically active.
But "those" people are doctors and are stupid and also
don't think fried pickles are a good idea for breakfast.
9.
Everyone will also always insist you are beautiful. Family, friends,
strangers, your creepy neighbor who you now suspect has some kind of
weird pregnant lady fetish. Everyone will feel they need to go out of
their way to tell you how beautiful you are, you beautiful sacred
vessel you. Because apparently while all you see in the mirror is a
sweating fatty fat mcfatterson in sweatpants who isn't wearing makeup
and has Medusa hair, everyone else sees a glowing goddess. Just go
with it.
8.
Thanks to your naseau, you always get to pick the restaurant because
the list of places that don't make you want to puke is shorter than
the list of places that do.
7.
Laying on the couch all day in your pajamas while eating chicken
wings dipped in guacamole and refusing to shower is no longer
considered "sad" and "pathetic" but "good
for you" because you're busy "growing a human."
6.
Your boobs. Your boobs become...they're just...they're just so
amazing, you guys. If you're anything like me, for the first time in
your life, you will have Playboy Playmate boobies. And as such, you
will stand in front of the mirror naked all the time in awe. I mean,
you could KILL a MAN with these boobs if you really wanted to!
They're that crazy BIG! So make sure to enjoy them as much as
possible before your mean, selfish children exit the womb and ruin
them.
5.
You can blame the baby for everything. In fact, you will say "the
baby made me do it" no less than 417 times during your
pregnancy.
4.
Being pregnant gives you the god-like power to name something. You, a
mere puny human, get to determine what someone will be called for the
rest of their life. Obviously, judging by the growing numbers of
people named She'D'yn'asty and Periwinkle and Darth, too many parents
let this power go to their head. But as they say, absolute power
corrupts absolutely and hopefully little Dragon Spike Huddle will
understand that someday when he's older.
3.
Want ice cream and a taco at 11 p.m.? Whoever knocked you up is
pretty much legally required to go get them for you immediately. And
not those tacos from that crappy joint down the street. No, the good
tacos from that place across town where the Blockbuster used to be.
2.
You finally have a legitimate excuse to buy those tiny, tiny adorable
shoes that are always in the window of every fancy baby boutique. And
also any and all tiny adorable baby hats that make infants look like
animals.
1.
You pretty much get to live like a hobbit. You can eat breakfast,
second breakfast and elevensies all before noon (or in some cases
before 8 a.m.). You have a new determination to make your life as
cozy as possible (Snuggie, Netflix, $60 worth of snacks? BOOM. You
got a rockin' weekend). The TV remote is now your precious and anyone
wanting to take it away from you is likely to get their finger bitten
off, Gollum-style. And your feet swell up to comically large
proportions (hairy toes also possibly included depending on your
genetics)
Can’t get enough of
Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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