Broke Wife, Big City
The Ten Canine Commandments
By Aprill Brandon

I love my dog. I truly do. In fact, I’m one of those annoying dog owners who treats her dog like her child. And for nine years, he was the apple of my eye. Or, to be more accurate, the piece of dog fur in my eye that I can never quite get out.

However, nothing alters your relationship with your dog, regardless of how much you love them, quite like bringing a real baby into the mix. The day we brought our son Riker home was the day Buffy suddenly found himself unceremoniously dumped to the bottom of the pecking order. He was ignored while my husband and I attended to much more important tasks, such as not accidentally killing our newborn. He was yelled at for getting too close to the baby. The kisses and cuddles he was used to getting on a regular basis were now all reserved for, you guessed it, the baby.

And he was not coping.

In his defense, it must have been a harsh adjustment to go from Supreme Alpha Leader of the house to having to remind us that his food bowl was empty yet again by dragging it into the middle of living room and then getting yelled at for his trouble.

But still, his misbehavior couldn’t go unpunished if I wanted any semblance of order in my home. And so, for the very first time, I had to remind Buffy that I was his infallible Owner and he merely a dog.

As such, just last week, I climbed high onto the Mountain of Dirty Clothes Lying on the Bedroom Floor and read Buffy the following Ten Canine Commandments:

I am the Human, your Owner, who brought you out of the land of Shelter. Thou shall have no other owners before me.

Thou shall not make any other Human your idol. Thou shall not shake nor play dead for them, nor lick their nose in an affectionate manner; for I am a jealous Owner.

Thou shall not bark in vain, such as when thou hears a noise anywhere within the tri-state area or when thou sees thy neighbor’s cat doing random cat stuff outside. Thou shall bark when a serial killer named Meatclaw enters thy house.

Observe the ball and go fetch it, as I the Human, your Owner, has commanded you. For six times straight you shall do this, resting on the seventh, for your Owner is now bored and no longer wants to play.

Honor your mother and father, so that your days may be long and not filled with newspaper swats.

Thou shalt not kill, unless it is a spider in the house, in which case, your Owner commands you to eat it, for spiders are an abomination in my eyes.

Thou shall not commit adultery unless thou has been neutered. Thou shall also not lay with a pillow or thy Owner’s friend’s leg as thou would with another dog.

Thou shall not steal thy Owner’s underwear from the hamper and drag it out in front of company. Nor shall thou think it is a game when thy Owner tries to retrieve the underwear and run around the house in a playful manner, underwear still firmly entrenched in your mouth.

Thou shalt not poop in thy neighbor’s yard. Unless it is Phil’s yard. Thy Owner hates Phil.

Thou shalt not covet the baby’s toys, stealing them from the nursery and hiding them in random spots around the house. For if thou do, thou will be a bad dog. A very bad dog.

Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?

Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/