Broke Wife, Big City
Why
women should run the
world
By Aprill Brandon
There are a lot of reasons
why women should run the world. For instance, most of us usually
carry tissues with us at all times (in addition to the 52 other
random items in our purse), which could come in handy when dealing
with, say, a maniacal dictator who has a runny nose.
Dictator: “I WILL BOMB
YOUR COUNTRY! DEATH TO…(sniffle)…AMERICA!”
Woman: “Would you like a
tissue?”
Dictator: “Why, yes, I
would. (Blows nose). OK, fine, no death to America. In fact, I’d be
willing to step down if only you could also give me stolen sugar
packets from various restaurants and lotion that smells like a
pumpkin spice latte.”
Woman: “Well, as a matter
of fact… (reaches into purse).”
But let me give you the
most obvious reason we should run the world:
Breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding, you say?
Yes, breastfeeding.
Let me explain.
I want you to imagine the
following scenario:
You are in a hospital,
where after 33 hours of labor and no sleep followed by major
abdominal surgery (in which the doctor says “you will feel
some pressure” but really means “you will feel like the bottom of
your stomach is peeled back all the way up to your neck while a bunch
of rabid squirrels root around in your intestines,”) they will hand
you an adorable honey badger that they then want you to put on one of
your most sensitive body parts, which the honey badger will gnaw on
until it bleeds and cracks.
And then you are asked to
repeat that last part every two to three hours while you recover from
this major surgery and continue it, at least according to the
breastfeeding Nazis out there, until the honey badger goes to
college.
Also, and this is the most
important part, despite the fact he is ripping that extremely
sensitive body part to shreds on a daily basis, you are not allowed
to punch him in the face. Even though you would instinctively resort
to such violence should anyone else on this planet cause you that
much physical pain, you must never. punch. the. baby. in. the. face.
(This is a mantra you will
repeat often to yourself).
Are you imagining all this?
If you are, it means you are a man. See, because women don’t have
to imagine it. We are expected to do it. Like it’s the most natural
thing in the world. Like sobbing heaving sobs at 4
a.m. while
your nipples are sadistically tortured is totally normal. Like
contemplating chopping off your own hooters with a dull ax because it
simply HAS to feel better than continuing to breastfeed is par for
the course when you’re a mother.
This is why women should
run the world. Not only because we are made out of the strongest
stuff found on Earth (evidenced by the lack of news stories of women
routinely being arrested for punching their baby in the face while
breastfeeding), but also because you buttheads owe us. If you exist,
it’s because some poor women gave up her body and her sanity to
create you and then destroyed both a little bit more to keep you
alive.
So, if you’re a world
leader, or have a senate seat, or run an evil empire from a giant
cave hidden in a boulder that looks like a skull, it’s time to step
down and give that position to your mother.
She’s earned it, damn it.
Can’t get enough of
Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at
http://aprillbrandon.com/
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