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Broke Wife, Big City
If my blog were
a sitcom, this would be the Thanksgiving episode
By Aprill Brandon
OPENING SCENE: Camera zooms in to clock beside Aprill’s bed. Time reads
4:43 a.m. Sound of baby crying.
APRILL (lying in bed, eyes still closed): “Nope. No way. (Voice
gradually getting louder) You wish I loved you enough to wake up this
early on a holiday! Go back to sleep, Riker!”
Crying continues.
APRILL (eyes still closed, kicking her husband, Ryan, with her leg):
“I’ll give you $50,000 if you go get him right now.”
RYAN (raises head from pillow, his bedhead making him look like a
deranged muppet): “Please. I’m still waiting for the $100,000 you
promised me when I took the dog out during a blizzard last year. And
the $4 million you promised me when I gave you my last mozzarella stick
Tuesday.”
Cue laugh track.
Crying gets louder.
APRILL (slowly and dramatically rolling off bed, eyes still closed):
“Ugh. He’s so dramatic. I bet when I go in there, he’s not even missing
a limb.”
Cue giggle track since the joke is so-so at best.
Camera fades to black and reopens on Riker’s nursery. Aprill is getting
ready to change Riker’s diaper.
APRILL: “Well, happy first Thanksgiving, kiddo. (Opens diaper) WHOA!
How did all that even fit inside your tiny body? I’m not even mad. I’m
impressed. (Note: Check with legal if we can use this and not get sued
by Will Ferrell) Guess you’re thankful for having the bowel movements
of a Budweiser Clydesdale, huh?”
Aprill carries Riker into the kitchen, which is pristine and huge and
has a funky vintage fridge just like all sitcom kitchens, even if the
people in the sitcom are poor and live in a ridiculously expensive
city.
APRILL: “Well, since we’re up, we might as well get a jump on
Thanksgiving dinner.”
Opens funky vintage fridge, which is full of colorful fruits and
vegetables and POM drinks, and not leftover Chinese food and Kraft
singles and a carrot that committed suicide in 2011.
APRILL: “Damn it all to hell!” (if this airs on late-night cable) “Darn
it all to H E double hockey sticks!” (if this airs on network TV)
“Babe! I forgot to defrost the turkey!”
Stumbling noises heard off-camera. Ryan enters the kitchen, bedhead now
making him look like the love child of Nick Nolte and Justin Bieber.
RYAN: “Huh. Well, that sounds like a pretty big problem for Future Ryan
to deal with. But right now, Current Ryan is going back to bed.”
Two hours later…
Ryan wakes up to a loud noise. He walks into the kitchen.
RYAN: “Uh…whatcha doin’?”
APRILL: “Blow-drying the turkey, obviously. Added bonus, I occasionally
blow it directly in Riker’s face and it makes him giggle. And his hair
is now super shiny.”
RYAN: “Aw…that’s my delicate little flower.”
Cue laugh track.
APRILL: “By the way, how long does a turkey take to cook?”
RYAN: “I don’t know. I have to Google it every year. Why don’t you
know? You’ve made the turkey before.”
APRILL: “And how did that work out?”
RYAN: “Yeah, but after the food poisoning symptoms passed, remember how
happy you were you lost five pounds?”
APRILL: “I finally fit in my skinny sweatpants.”
Cue pity laugh track.
Four hours later…
Aprill, Ryan, Riker and the dog are all on the back porch as smoke
billows out of the windows of their house. Sirens can be heard in the
background.
APRILL: “Who knew potatoes could explode like that?”
RYAN: “Two people who have a small infant they are in charge of keeping
alive probably should.”
APRILL: “This day is a disaster. Do we have any wine?”
RYAN: “No. But we have some cooking sherry that’s probably tainted
considering I think I bought it back in the 90s. That ought to do the
trick.”
APRILL: “I’ll get the sherry, you call China Garden.”
RYAN: “I think that makes four years in a row. Pretty sure it’s now
officially a Thanksgiving tradition.”
APRILL: “It’s just not the holidays without crab rangoon and the smell
of burning arm hair.”
Ryan kisses Aprill.
Cue “Ooooooo” kissy-face track.
RYAN: “Insert some cheesy line here.”
Cue applause track.
Fade to credits.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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