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Child tantrums
and adult tantrums
Dr. Melissa Martin, Ph.D.
Do you have a temper tantrum over your child’s temper tantrum? When
your child is rolling around on the floor and crying, the main thing is
for the parent or guardian to stay unruffled. Take a few deep breaths.
Check your emotions and your reactions. Is this a tantrum that can be
ignored? It is less difficult to ignore a tantrum at home as opposed to
being in the middle of a busy grocery store.
When a parent gives into a tantrum the child learns that it works. They
will continue to try it because it worked once or twice in the past.
When a parent erupts with yelling, threatening, and grabbing the child,
he learns that adults can have a tantrum but children cannot and he
becomes confused. Is the tantrum intensifying as you are ignoring it?
Calmly remove the child from the situation and take him into the
bathroom. Stay there until he is composed. The bathroom is not fun and
he will associate a tantrum to being removed from the colorful and
interesting store.
What is the purpose of a tantrum for a 2 year-old? It is a way she
vents frustration. Examine each tantrum. Is the child tired, hungry, or
sleepy? Is the family going through a stressful time? Lean down and use
a soothing voice tone. Rub her back and validate her feelings, “I know
you wanted that banana and you feel mad about it. Let’s calm down
together. You will get a banana after dinner.” Children live in the
present moment, “If I don’t get that toy right now then I will never
get it!” Parents need to stay unflustered with a low voice tone and a
neutral face expression, “I can see that you are really mad because you
wanted that toy. You can play with your own toys when we get in the
car.” Carry a small toy from home in your purse or pocket and offer it
to your child. If she throws it calmly pick it up and put it away. “Oh,
you’re throwing that toy instead of playing with it. Let’s blow out
your angries together.” Children need repetition and consistency in
order to learn to manage their emotions. Praise your child for calming
down but do not offer a reward. “I like how you calmed your feelings
and your body,” Some children learn that a tantrum in the store
followed by calming down will produce a treat later and they may
purposely detonate.
Evaluate tantrums. Is it an oppositional tantrum? Is the child
deliberately challenging you to a power struggle? Do you have a
strong-willed child? Again, the parent needs to stay calm by acting and
not reacting. Statements like, “You me so mad! Why can’t you just stop
it! I’ve had enough of you!” need to be avoided. Children mirror adult
emotions and reactions and are likely to intensify their own feelings
and negative behaviors. An explosive parent may produce more anxiety in
a shy and less outgoing child. Helping your child to learn and practice
emotional regulation is necessary.
By 3 years of age the tantrums are usually less frequent and less
intense. Children are learning to use language to put basic feelings
(mad, sad, and scared) into words. Children are role-modeling the
behaviors of adults and older siblings and learning what is socially
acceptable in their home, preschool, society, and culture. If a child
continues to throw intense and consistent tantrums around 3 years of
age, a visit to a child therapist is suggested.
“You can’t manage your life until you manage your emotions” is a
statement made in the book for adults, SOS, Help for Emotions. Learning
to manage our emotions is an important life lesson.
Dr. Missy, Ph.D., is a feelings helper, child therapist, play
therapist, consultant, educator, and self-syndicated columnist. She
provides therapeutic services at Affirmations, Columbus, Ohio. Contact
her at melissamartincounselor@live.com.
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