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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Bedtime… Hide
the books and bring in the National Guard
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
Dear A+K,
Why is something so simple as a bedtime so impossible to achieve?! I
mean, is it an impossible dream that all kids be in bed reading,
or asleep by 8? Instead, it looks like a cross between a dance party
and bar fight. But really- how can I make this process easier for
everyone?
Sincerely,
Tired O' Tryin
Dear Tired,
From forgotten tooth brushing to the small lakes on the bathroom floor,
we see straight into your life on this one. Let's be honest, we start
dreaming of bedtime around 2pm.
Ahhhhh, bedtime. A time when everyone is relaxed and ready to slow
down. Unless you have kids. Bedtime is when kids burn their little
dinners off throwing buckets of water onto the floor during their bath
or crying because they can't find their stuffed animal that happens to
be a skunk.
First, the bedtime prayer. This should be a nice time of
reflection, so you aren't sure when competing to be the most thankful
entered the picture. Or how someone's bent knee "accidentally"
jabbed a sister's ribcage. Or why there are tears over who Signed
the Cross the best. Now you need to pray for all of the bad
thoughts you just had during prayer.
Next, the book reading. We know it's important, we get that we
need to log in at least 20 minutes, and the guilt will plague you all
night if you don't. Book choice options are given in your most
pleasant librarian-mom voice. Yet, a struggle ensues and suddenly
you are watching a WWE throw down between Team "Barbie and the
Mariposa" or Team "Elmo Goes to School." Clearly Elmo is the obvious
winner because the words are written in 40 point font and there are no
chapters. Let's get this done, people. This still qualifies for
the Book-It pizza, right?
The prayers are said, the book is read, and everyone is all tucked in
with the requisite blankies, stuffed skunks and pacifiers.
Suddenly, someone's ankle hurts. A miraculous injury, seeing as
how your daughter is surrounded in fleece and down feathers. At
this point, you've completely missed the plot on The Bachelor (wait-
there isn't one) and you're fuming. After investigating the fake ankle
agony, you sit back down (in bed) and turn up the tv. Silence. They
have finally fallen asleep when....wait for it......the low pitched,
"Mommmmyyyyy" starts. Whose room is this coming from now?! You try to
smile and channel Cauillou's mom (future article), but you grit your
teeth in anger because now YOUR ankles hurt and you just. want. to.
lay. down.
The bedrooms have never seemed so far away, and you
passive-aggressively heave yourself past your husband to begin the
ascent. The emergency turns out to be whether or not you ever
found the red hair bow from LAST WEEK and at this point, there are no
more niceties. You see red all right....glowing from your
eyes. To prevent a further emotional melt-down, you stage whisper
that you will find it tomorrow (it's long gone...) and then threaten
through clenched teeth that no more questions will be answered
tonight. As a statement of your seriousness, you defiantly hold
eye contact for a full 20 seconds....before tiptoeing across the room
and softly shutting the door to prevent sibling wake-up and other
collateral damage.
Returning to your room, you relish in the peace of nine o'clock.
You relive the red hair bow conversation and start to feel bad about
your vicious response. I mean, is that the last thing you want
her to go to sleep with? Ugh. Another two minutes of
arguing with yourself, and you find yourself trudging back upstairs to
apologize and make up more false promises concerning hair
accessories. Your daughter smiles sleepily, and you feel like a
mom off the Pampers commercials as you click the door shut...
....until your foot hits a red fire truck toy, sirens start blaring,
the dog barks and the baby starts whimpering.
Our advice: Battle through, Mama. Hide all
books longer than 12 pages. Separate praying children with
steel-reinforced dividers. Bring in the National Guard. And
start the routine at 4pm.
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