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Broke Wife, Big City
With liberty
and naps for all
By Aprill Brandon
There are a lot of things wasted on the young. Youth. Beauty. A
ridiculously high metabolism. Expensive toys when junk mail and an
empty shampoo bottle are apparently just as exotic and entertaining.
But perhaps worst of all are naps. Naps are so completely wasted on the
young. Yet we hand them out to children like beads on Mardi Gras. Yes,
we, the parents, who haven’t had a chance to nap since 2009, give
unlimited sleeping time to any two-bit juvenile who can fake a halfway
decent yawn.
Actually, no. Forget the young. You know what it is? It’s a bigger
issue. A much bigger issue. Because in our society, naps are wasted on
the undeserving.
You know who needs naps? High school kids. These awkward creatures have
jam-packed schedules, piles of homework and a tsunami wave of hormones
assaulting them at all times. Not to mention, they have a daily routine
that is the complete opposite of what their biological clock is telling
them. I’m old but not so old that I don’t remember what it was like. I
routinely didn’t fall asleep until 2 a.m. when I was 17. And yet, I had
to be up at 6 a.m. to get ready for school (because eyes don’t
aggressively slather black eyeliner on themselves). And yet these
teenagers get yelled at for finally succumbing to the siren call of
sleep just because it happens to be in the middle of chemistry class.
Or, worse yet, woken up early on weekend mornings because it’s
apparently illegal when you’re a parent to let your child “sleep all
day on such a beautiful day.”
You know who else needs naps? The middle-age-ish sect that are busy
taking care of both their offspring and their aging parents. Because
you know who the two most ungrateful species in the world are? Aging
parents and children over the age of 12.
And let’s not forget pregnant ladies. They need naps most of all. And
I’m not just saying that because I happen to be knocked up right now.
They really do. One, because creating life cell-by-cell is wicked
stupid hard, and two, everyone will be much safer if I can JUST CLOSE
MY EYES FOR 10 FREAKING MINUTES, OK!?!
But NO. No. Who do we give naps to? Babies. Babies who have their
entire lives ahead of them to nap. They literally are experiencing the
world for the first time and what do they do with this wonderful new
discovery? Sleep through everything.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have old people. Old people
who could die at any moment. And what do they do with the precious time
they have left? They nap. And I mean, hardcore nap, like napping is an
audition for death and they’re trying to get it perfect. And yeah,
sure, you could argue that they’ve earned all these naps after a
lifetime of working and raising their family but I can guarantee that
when they really needed all these naps was when they were working and
raising their family.
And then there’s these guys. Children. With the energy they give off 20
minutes after eating a candy bar, young children could fuel most
European cities for a year. Yet, we INSIST they take a nap. And then
they have the nerve to FIGHT it. Tooth and nail. In front of their
exhausted parents who haven’t seen the inside of their own eyelids in
over 19 hours.
But perhaps most twisted of all, we give unlimited napping privileges
to cats and dogs, the only family members who don’t contribute anything
to the household (and please, no cheesy comments like “oh, but animals
contribute so much love to your home”…of course pets love you but what
I need right now is for my loving dog, Buffy, to get off his lazy ass
and make dinner for everyone). No job. No responsibilities. Food and
water just magically appear. Yeah, no, I can totally see why they need
to sleep 22 hours a day.
Well, I say it’s time we finally take a stand and end this madness. We
should march on Washington! No more naps for the undeserving! Naps for
all or naps for none! Attica! Attica!
Or, I don’t know, something like that. I’ll put it on my to-do list.
Right now I have to put my toddler down for night-night.
Sigh.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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