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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Beach Vacays
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
I
am currently in the process of packing for our beach vacation, and I
want it to be as magical as it is in my head. I know this isn't
very realistic, so please give some suggestions on how to NOT make it a
disaster.
Sincerely,
Flip-Flopped in Ohio
Dear Flip:
First, let's be clear: getting there is half the battle.
Please refer to our earlier article on surviving a 9-hour car trip
without getting arrested or institutionalized.
And honestly, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders
about this. We all dream of sunset walks on the beach and family
fun at the local boardwalk. But then reality slaps us in the
face, and we realize we are dealing with the same bunch of kids that
can't get through a visit to the park without sobs, band-aids and lost
sunglasses. So here's our Top Ten of Things to Avoid:
1. A Cartful of Beach Toys. You wake up that first morning,
bound and determined to get the best position on the beach. Close
enough to the water, but far enough to avoid high tide. Hours of
picturesque fun requires coolers, umbrellas, buckets, shovels,
snorkeling gear, sunscreen and an extra set of clothing.
Wrong. You honestly have no good way to truck in 78 pounds of
crap, and honestly, you don't need half of it. Your kids are
going to play with a discarded Aquafina bottle they find in the sand,
and no one cares about sand molds anyway.
2. Prime Time Putt-Putt Golf. Ohhhhh, your family tradition is
the annual putt-putt golf outing? So is everyone else's. Do
NOT, and we repeat, DO NOT go in the early evening, right after
dinner and before bedtime unless you want to wait in a line that curls
to the bottom of Adventure Mountain. We love the challenge of a
hole-in-one as much as the next, but plan accordingly: venture
out mid-morning and select that hot pink ball with glee.
3. Family Dinners Out. Don't get us wrong- we all need to
eat, and vacation mandates that you up your calorie intake by
three-fold. But finding a six-top at the seafood dive with the
patio seating will take at least an hour of wating in a cramped lobby,
while your three-year old tugs at your arms and asks, "When is it going
to be ourrrrrr turn?" 9 times a minute. You have two
choices: find your inner senior citizen and eat at 4;30 p.m. or
stuff your face with Cheez-Its at 5 and wait until 9 to get your real
meal.
4. The Khaki and White Beach photo. This one is just for
our sake. Any other color combo will do, but we just can't take
another one of these in our Facebook feed.
5. Sand. Yeah, we know- you can't avoid this. It's
literally everywhere. Your seven-year old has a pound of it in
the crotch of her swimsuit. And it alllllll gets dumped out in your
condo's bathroom. Your kids could probably build a castle in the
bathtub. Sand is beautiful in the pictures, but your arch nemesis
in real life. Use those beach showers to the best of you ability,
but know the second you rinse off, your first step back to the car will
be a sandy parking lot.
6. Overpriced attractions. We get caught up in vacation
mode, too, and the brochures for all of those dolphin cruises, pirate
dinners and crazy-fact museums sound amazing. The next thing we
know, we are shelling out $1.2 million dollars while getting herded
onto a questionably-safe speedboat. The entire group fights over
the seats by the railing, and you scope out the horizon anxiously for
Flipper. After 45 minutes of seagulls and other tour boats, your
guide apologetically affirms your worst nightmare: no dolphins
today, folks. Kids start wailing, your husband mutters something
about highway robbery and you sulk in a bout of self-pity.
7. Sunburns. We aren't dermotologists and can't speak to
the long-term ramifications of sun damage. But what we can tell
you is that no amount of aloe or cold compresses can take away the
incessant whining of your teenage son about how bad his shoulders hurt
after he refuses your attempts to reload the Banana Boat. People
far smarter than you have now invented a multitude of ways to slab on
some UV protection--fabrics, balms, sticks and lotion. Use one-
and apparently, the spray isn't cutting it anymore. We hate the
application process as much as the next. One kid- fine.
Two, three, four? This equates to an hour of rubbing in what
feels like Elmer's Glue, and a plane, paraglider or bird always seems
to fly overhead when it's time to venture onto the face. Bam-
sunscreen in the eye. Cue the wails. Regardless, all
of this does not come close to the misery that is 3-4 days of non-stop
complaints from charred children.
It's right around now that you need to appreciate vacation for what it
is: days without the usual grind, new sights and experiences and
unrestricted ice cream intake, These are the very moments you
will wish for in the middle of February, so post those photos to social
media and bury your twins on the beach. Just don't lose your crap
when sand gets stuck in your camera lens.
Raise a cocktail to the sun-
Sincerely,
A+K
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