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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Potty Training
Purgatory
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
Dear A+K:
I am currently in the thick of potty training my toddler, and I find
myself divided. On one hand, I am SO DONE with diapers and the
stench that comes with them, but on the other, I am tired of slipping
in pee and running the washer 24/7. Please discuss and help me
rediscover the joys in this milestone!
Sincerely,
Fecal Fairy
Dear Fairy:
Potty training is no joke, and we are here to ease the pain and talk
the truth. To be perfectly honest, the only beauty in potty
training is in the initial preparation. That potty chart looks
great with its straight lines, glitter glue and stickers poised and
ready for the celebration. The new Dora panties are also clean
and folded, waiting for your two-year old to select one in an excited
morning routine. The Elmo potty gets dusted off and placed beside
the Real Deal Toilet, but no one is the wiser, because Elmo comes with
a flusher! You got this. <Cue the record-halting
screech>
Morning 1: Your tot sits on the pot, and you smile
inwardly. Piece o' cake. However, after 7 seconds, she gets
up and attempts to walk out of the bathroom. You peer hopefully
in the plastic basin, but there is nothing. Not one spot of
urine. You chase her down in the living room, only to find a
puddle of yellow forming on your carpet. Breathe. Every
article you have ever read warns against punishing accidents, so you
clean up your floor and your daughter with a forced cheerfulness and
hand her some morning juice. She clearly needs rehydrated.
Twenty minutes later, you repeat the process, but this time, there is
no excitement on her end. Instead, she is howling and kicking,
and you start yelling out bribes at the top of your lungs. "JUST
SIT AND MOMMY WILL GET YOU FRUIT SNACKS!" Does Elmo come with
shackles?
End of Day 1: You are exhausted and your entire house smells like
bleach. Your knuckles are raw, but your kitchen tile has actually
never looked cleaner. However, you have entered a dangerous zone
with your Mini Me, and she refuses to make eye contact with you for
fear of the words, "Let's go potty!" She has also consumed
wayyyyy more sugar than you will ever admit on paper, all in an attempt
to keep her naked rear planted. You have spent more hours in a
bathroom than ever before, and it is critically obvious that the room
needs an overhaul. Despite all of this, there was ONE success in
a span of 14 hours, and the lone smiley face sticker mocks you from
across the room.
This story repeats itself day after day, until one of three things
occurs: 1. You win! Something clicked, and she now
"gets it." Barring a few accidents, you consider her potty
trained and brag on FB, to your mom and consider renting out a local
billboard. 2. You feel like a failure and garner internal
resentment towards your child. Despite what everything you find
online, you compare your kid to the one down the street, who has better
better bladder control than you at this point. 3. You kick
the bucket down the road, vowing to take this back up "when the time is
right," "when her bladder matures," or, more honestly, after a
month of rehab to forget the awful memories.
However else your story may end, there are a few details that need
addressed in the middle. Like, what do you do when you leave the
house for the first time? For some, this means strapping on a
Pull-Up, for others, they brave the great unknown with an extra set of
clothes. But are you ready for the public restroom
experience? Worse yet, what if the only option at the ball
diamond is porta potties? Images of your toddler falling
through the seat into a three-foot sewage hell flashes through your
mind. And what do you do for naps? Again, when do you reallyyyyy
trust them enough to risk doing yet another load of sheets? Does
this guessing game ever end?
Celebrating this milestone comes later- two years down the road, when
this same child breezes past you, fully capable of pulling down her
jeggings, getting everything IN the toilet and washing her hands
without shrieking for help. For now, you are in the grips of your
own personal war. Bunker down- it is worth it in the end.
Sincerely,
A+K
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