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Broke Wife, Big City
Spring cleaning
for dummies
By Aprill Brandon
Guys.
Guys.
GUYS.
Spring officially arrived this morning. And not that manic-depressive
spring we’re used to that’s been passive-aggressively toying with our
emotions because it wasn’t hugged enough as a child by Father Winter.
No, I’m talking about stable and happily hopped up on pills and booze
spring.
Or at least it has in my neck of the woods. Sunny, breezy, mid-60’s,
perfect spring. For the first time in months I was able to open the
windows, letting out the stench of cooped up dog and overcooked
Christmas ham.
Thanks, global warming. You’re a real mensch.
The birds are chirping. The neighborhood kids are outside playing
(and/or reenacting “Lord of the Flies”). The random dudes who are
somehow related to either my landlord or his handyman and store their
stuff in the garage are in my driveway working on their RV or possibly
building a meth lab in their RV.
Yes, it’s a beautiful day.
So beautiful that when I got out of the shower, I half expected a bunch
of birds to fly in, towel me off and throw a bright pink Disney
princess dress over my head that floated down and fit me perfectly. And
then some happy squirrels would intricately lace a bunch of flowers in
my hair. And then my dog would come running in and eat them.
In fact, this weather has put me in such a good mood I actually
cleaned. Better yet, I even went to the store beforehand to buy ACTUAL
CLEANING PRODUCTS instead of wiping off the counter with leftover dog
shampoo and my husband’s Green Lantern T-shirt.
Like, I scrubbed the TOILET. I mopped. I finally threw out the
aforementioned Christmas ham that had been hanging out, possibly
gaining consciousness, in the fridge.
I even made the bed (and by “made the bed” I mean picked the sheets up
off the floor, since my husband and I are those kind of sleepers who
thrash around violently in our REM cycles, and then haphazardly laid
them back on the bed).
Yes, I hate to be this person, considering I didn’t get to where I am
in my writing career (underpaid and underemployed) by being positive
and non-sarcastic, but this weather has definitely brought back a
spring in my step (pun COMPLETELY intended…also, sorry).
And guys, this could just be the vitamin D talking here, but it’s
enough to make a girl think that everything is going to be OK.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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