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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Keep it simple…
Brush your Teeth!
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
Dear A+K,
I need some straight-up answers. What is all of this facial contouring
makeup business? My morning minutes are limited, leaving me split
between mascara application and brushed teeth. Dental hygiene
wins out, but what happened to the days of Seabreeze and Avon? Am I
missing something here or have beauty routines hit the larger scale?
Sincerely,
Seabreeze Sulking
Dear Seabreeze Sulking,
From microderm abrasion, dry shampoo, and tanning foam, these 80s-born
girls are drowning in cosmetics. Remember walking into your mom's
bathroom? A blue container of Noxema and a Covergirl compact sitting
next to the Love's Baby Soft covered the tiny vanity. And she was
beautiful.
For starters, the wrinkles. They are happening, and the Crow's Feet
seem to dig in deeper with each passing day. But is microderm
abrasion our only option? Is that like putting our face on a belt
sander? The container says it will smooth fine lines, but it feels as
if it's stripping a facial nerve. And let's mention how the innate
tendency to push the sand granules in harder *as if* it will make the
wrinkles disappear instantaneously. All it actually leaves is a red and
inflamed Lady Elaine look. One step forward, seventeen steps
back. We are resigned to the haggard look, and pray that Botox
will be an over-the-counter application in ten years.
Dry shampoo sounds like a wonderful idea, until powder starts spraying
out in chunks on our forehead and we look like we need to have a
serious date with the Head & Shoulders bottle. Are we doing this
wrong? Is a respirator necessary prior to application? How do you
control this nozzle? As much as we loathe the time it takes to blow dry
dripping hair, a traditional shower head sprays in one direction and
doesn't leave the bathroom floor a glorified slip and slide.
Forging ahead to the grand finale. We made it through college and
succeeded with smoky eyes, bronzers and fake eyelashes. Looking
back, we probably needed to ease off the Sun-In and heavy lip gloss,
but whatevs. However, suddenly HD make-up is a thing and it comes
with YouTube tutorials to boot. What does this stand for
and why is it different than my tried-and-true tinted moisturizer
and eye liner? We aren't sure how anything we glob into our
cheeks at 6am can parallel the high-definition reality tv that we fell
asleep to the night before, so we assume HD is an acronym for "Hunker
Down?" "Harsh Decline?" "Help Define?" These would be the most
applicable to us.
From here on out, we recommend keeping it simple, unless makeup is your
hobby (and if that is the case, we aren't your people). Wrestle
those wrinkles. Do it. Smooth the smile lines- yes. But if your
bathroom countertop is looking like a ransacked Sephora, it's time to
prioritize. Just remember to brush your teeth.
Sincerely,
A+K
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