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Broke Wife, Big City
A funny thing
happened on the way to New Hampshire
By Aprill Brandon
Family vacations are a funny thing. Essentially all you are doing is
taking a group of people who are together all the time and plopping
them down…
Hi!
Um...hi…
Where was I? Oh yes, and plopping them down into a new location. But
this simple act of geography change can…
Hello!
Uh...hello?
That was weird. Anyway, as I was saying, this simple act of taking you
out of your element, out of your daily routine, can expose a lot about
your character. For example, my family and I are at a resort town in
New Hampshire, where…
Good morning!
Oh, um, good morning.
How are you?
Good. I guess.
Have a lovely day!
Ok, sure.
Man, I lost my train of thought again. Um...yeah, so, anyway my husband
and I schlepped our two kids to a tiny cottage on the lake up in New
Hampshire for a few days to, as they say, “get away from it all.” A
great idea in theory, of course. But in practice, leaving your house
for even a small period of time with a toddler and a baby in tow is the
opposite of relaxing. It’s basically spending all night getting kicked
in the face by tiny feet (because, god forbid, they actually sleep in
the bed provided for them) and spending all day hurling gallons of
sunscreen at their back as they sprint toward the closest large body of
water so they can eat sand and practice drowning.
How’s it going?
Huh? What..? It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Just sitting here trying to
get some work done.
Fantastic! Lovely day, isn’t it? Well, nice talking to you!
I...sure. Nice talking to you. Random stranger.
Ugh. Why won’t people leave me alone? People around here are so weird.
ANYWAY, like I’ve been TRYING to say, there’s nothing like a vacation
to expose who you really are. Everything is different and you are
constantly tackling unforeseen challenges, like how to tactfully deal
with your son who just pooped his pants in the fancy bookstore…
Beautiful day, huh?
Alright, that’s it. What the hell is going on here? Can I help you with
something, buddy? Huh?
Oh, my apologies. Just trying to be friendly. Have a good afternoon!
Trying to be friendly? Well who the hell does that? See, it’s just like
I was saying, going on vacation exposes who you really are. And someone
I truly am is apparently someone who has lived in a city for too long
and is now just super rude and glares at everyone who smiles at me with
my best April Ludgate impression.
Only it’s not really an impression anymore so much as it is just my
face now.
Because we have apparently ended up in the world’s friendliest town and
I am confused and angered by this tendency of people to be overly nice
even though I used to BE one of these people when I was growing up in a
small town. Meanwhile, my husband, within 30 seconds of arriving here,
has reverted back to his old, friendly, Midwestern roots as easily as
breathing. I think I even heard him blurt out “howdy” at one point.
And so I guess the only thing to do now is to finish up this stupid
column of mine and go sit in front of the mirror and have me a “come to
Jesus” moment about how I have transformed into a stereotype in just a
few short years of city living...
Oh, excuse me, ma’am? You forgot your purse. Here you go.
Oh, and so you just thought you’d give it back to me? Without stealing
my money or anything? Of course. Well, thank you, Mr. Nice Friendly
Man. And sorry I sound so sarcastic. I am actually very grateful. But I
just realized I am a horrible, rude, human pile of garbage.
Have a nice friggin’ day.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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