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Broke Wife, Big City
Requiem for a
nap
By Aprill Brandon
It was all planned out. A perfect Friday. A beautiful summer day. A
much needed antidote to the stress and chaos of the four previous days.
All I needed to do was stick to the plan and we would slide easily into
the weekend.
Just stick to the plan.
Wake up. Breakfast. Episode of “Sesame Street” to hypnotize the kids so
I could squeeze in a luxurious three-minute shower. Wrestle horribly
designed tiny shoes on two pairs of tiny squiggly feet. Then a
leisurely walk to the playground followed by a walk to the local bakery
for some giant cookies. It is Friday after all. Take the long way back.
Wear ‘em out. It’s all part of the plan.
Home. Impromptu dance party. Lunch, which no one will eat because of
the giant cookies but who cares? It’s Friday. We’re so close to the
end. To the weekend. To having Daddy’s help with the tantrums and the
diaper changes and the baths and the “what did you swallow?”
Story time. Just two books. OK, fine, three. Sigh, alright, four but
that’s it. I mean it. Potty break. Five minutes of chasing naked
toddler around to put his underwear back on. Time for your nap. Twelve
minutes of dealing with the pre-nap meltdown. Three minutes in the
corner for hitting his baby sister. Four minutes soothing said hit
baby.
Nap. Time.
Now.
Get in bed.
Three songs. OK, four. Five, but I mean it. That’s it.
Brief discussion of why the sky is blue. Even briefer discussion about
how cool trains are.
Hug. Kiss. Love you. Night-night.
One down, one to go.
Change diaper. Heat up bottle. Sit down in rocker. Insert bottle.
Realize urgent need to pee. Lay baby on floor with bottle. Go pee to
the glorious symphonic sounds of abandoned baby screaming. Pick her
back up. Sit in the rocker. Insert bottle. Relax. Realize TV remote is
across the room. Get it. Sit back down in the rocker. Hear older kid
yelling for Mommy. Get up.
What, sweetie?
I get up now?
No.
Close door.
Sit back down in the rocker. Where’s the remote? It was just here.
Sigh.
Just get her to sleep. A vital part of the plan. Long afternoon nap for
the two of them. When they wake up, pop in a movie. Order dinner. Maybe
open a wine? I mean, it IS Friday. Then BOOM, Daddy is home and I get
some relief.
Bottle halfway gone. Any minute now she should be closing her eyes.
Start singing lullaby. Three-fourths gone. Eyes wide open. No need to
worry. She’ll fall asleep before it’s gone. She has to.
It’s all part of the plan.
All gone. She’s giggling now. Struggling to get up out of my arms. No
worries. Adjust the plan a bit. Twenty minutes of play and she’ll be
out like a light.
OK, 45 minutes.
An hour.
Maybe try laying her down in the crib.
Seventeen minutes of impossibly loud dying pterodactyl screams. Pick
her back up before she wakes her brother. At least all that screaming
probably wore her out.
Nope.
This wasn’t part of the plan.
Thirty more minutes of singing, swaying, silently praying. She finally
passes out. Ten blissful minutes go by. I close my eyes. And
immediately hear her brother wake up. Sigh. Get up. Put her in the
crib. Watch in horror as her eyes pop open and she starts wailing like
a banshee. Per her back up. Get the toddler up. Note he’s super grumpy.
Terrific.
Try plying both whining kids with crackers. Realize the dog hasn’t been
outside to go potty yet. Try putting down baby who is clinging to me
like I’m the last life boat on the Titanic. Give up. Comically try to
balance dog, baby and poop bag. Go back inside. Pop in a movie. No,
Mommy, not that one. Pop in a different movie. Order food. We’re
slammed right now. It’ll be an hour and half. Is that ok?
Wonderful.
Say screw it. Open wine. Pick up sobbing puddle of baby gravy at my
feet. Get text from husband. He’s running late. Traffic is awful. Be
home as soon as he can.
Allow 45-second pity party in head. Then get toddler his juice.
Go to take sip of wine. MOMMY! She’s grabbing my cars!
I thought you wanted to watch this movie.
No, I want to play with my cars.
Grab baby. Soothe now crying car-less baby. Repeat for what feels like
forever.
Food arrives. Feed kids. Steal a fry while looking longingly at your
own neglected sandwich. Get more ketchup. Get more juice. Get
more baby food. Get more napkins. Look longingly at still full wine
glass. Clean up kids.
Play chase. Kiss boo boo.
Daddy’s home!
Chaos ensues.
How was your day?
The usual. Offer tired smile.
I love you.
Love you too.
I love you, too, Mommy!
Baby giggles.
Sigh. Let the stress drain away.
And hey, at least it’s the weekend, sweetie!
Yes. We made it.
Despite the plan.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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