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Broke Wife, Big City
36 Things I’ve
Learned in 36 Years
By Aprill Brandon
1. Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
2. Small children are the funniest people on the planet.
3. Humidity is dumb.
4. The best thing you can save up your money for is a family vacation.
I don’t remember what gifts I got for my birthday three years ago or
what I had for breakfast yesterday or even where I set down my youngest
child just now, but I remember every vacation since childhood with
startling clarity.
5. Embrace your inner nerd.
6. A good bra changes EVERYTHING.
7. Yelling at your kid to stop yelling is pretty ineffectual.
8. The cheap water tastes exactly the same as the expensive fancy
water.
9. Humans are complicated. Stop expecting everything to be in black and
white.
10. Sit down for family meals as often as you can.
11. Never waste more than 10 seconds cringing over an awkward social
interaction. Deep down we’re all hot messes who still can’t remember
your name even though you’ve told us three times already.
12. I literally have no opinion about coconut oil. I feel the world
would be a better place if more people followed my example.
13. If other parents are judging you because your kid is misbehaving in
public and their kid never does, just remember that their kid is
probably going to grow up to be a serial killer.
14. BACK. UP. YOUR. PHOTOS. Then back them up again. Then print them
out and put them in a photo album. Then seal that album up in a
climate-controlled, fire-proof, nuclear fallout safe room deep in the
heart of a mountain.
15. Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts or how much you dread it or
how wrong it seems, you just have to bite the bullet and do what’s best
for your family and sign your toddler up for soccer.
16. Cursing is awesome. That’s why kids can’t wait to grow up. So they
can finally curse.
17. Never ask a man for his chili recipe.
18. Never ask a woman to do the dishes on chili night.
19. Why do so many people have so many strong opinions about what
drinks other people order at Starbucks? I know technically this isn’t
some piece of wisdom I’m sharing but I genuinely want to know.
20. Teach your kids the proper names. It’s “penis” and “vagina.”
They’re just body parts. No one refers to arms as “hoo-ha’s” and legs
as “run sticks.”
21. Rejection and failure aren’t an end but a beginning. No great story
starts with “they immediately succeeded.”
22. It’s okay to have a cupcake for breakfast. It’s basically a muffin
with a better wardrobe.
23. Children have bad days too.
24. Don’t ask your friends to spend a small fortune celebrating your
birthday.
25. Please stop telling pregnant women every horrific birthing story
you’ve ever heard. They’re stressed out enough.
26. The average ninja knows over a hundred ways to kill you. The
average baby knows over a thousand ways to kill themselves.
27. Teach your kids how to execute a proper high-five. Because
approximately one out of every three strangers they encounter will want
to high-five them.
28. If you’re on a date and they order their steak “well done,” RUN.
29. Home is where the giant pile of never-ending laundry is.
30. The best way to calm a child during a tantrum is to not have
children.
31. Climbing trees is still fun.
32. Try to remember when you’re freaking out because you haven’t
started saving for retirement yet that all the stress will probably
kill you before you even get a chance to retire.
33. Marriage is 10 percent unconditional love and 90 percent trying to
figure out what to eat for dinner.
34. Support people’s dreams. Unless their dreams are dumb. Then just
shut up and politely nod as they explain the confusing plot of their
as-yet-unwritten fantasy novel.
35. Potty training is a war. You need a good strategy. There are no
winners.
36. “There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth
fighting for.”
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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