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Broke Wife, Big City
Wolverine vs.
The Really Hyper Bunnies
By Aprill Brandon
Here’s a million dollar idea for all you budding entrepreneurial
wanna-be types: Invent a self-defense class for parents of small
children.
Now, to be clear, I don’t mean for situations where you need to protect
your children. Pretty much every parent I know is capable of murdering
someone with a rattle if they catch that person even looking at their
babies wrong, let alone trying to kidnap them. Not to mention, catch us
on a bad day and we may just hand our kids over with the parting words
“Good luck. Don’t you dare bring them back before 7.”
No, I mean a class that will teach me how to protect myself FROM my
children.
Ha! Ha! Funny, right? Except I’m dead serious. Every day with these
kids is like Thunderdome. Especially with the older one. So, I need a
way to disarm and subdue my 3-year-old toddler attacker but without
hurting him. (Because gouging his eyes out with my keys seems a bit of
an overreaction, especially since I’ll be the one footing the bill for
his eye reconstruction surgery anyway).
To give you an idea of what I’m dealing with, here’s a brief rundown of
his most basic fighting moves:
The Piggy Back Strangle Hold: When the victim is sitting on the floor,
jump on their back (making sure your bony knees hit BOTH of their
kidneys), wrap your skinny arms around their neck and cut off all air
to their windpipe while giggling adorably.
The No More Siblings Head Butt: Wait until the victim is holding
another child or has both hands full, say, with a giant mug of hot
coffee in one and an expensive electronic device in the other, and then
run at them full-force, banging your head right into the very place you
came out of.
The Mosh Pit: At the end of a very long day (although very first thing
in the morning will also work), hurl your entire 34-pound body with all
your might at their body while they’re sitting on the couch. Do this
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
again. When they ask you to stop, just do it harder. It’s part of the
game!
The Ol’ Innocent Hug Switcheroo: Putting on your best big-eyed cherub
face, ask for a hug. Wait for them to tear up and say “of course, baby”
and then bite down on whatever flesh you can get your tiny honey badger
teeth on as soon as they embrace you.
The Hot Wheels Fast Ball Grenade: Ask for juice. When denied said
juice, throw a Hot Wheel (or any heavy-ish toy with hard edges will do)
directly at their face. (This one is particularly effective since it’s
so unexpected. Give this kid a ball and ask him to throw it and
suddenly he forgets how arms work. Put a metal car in his hands and
watch him whip it at your forehead with deadly accuracy faster than you
can say “I swear to God, if you throw that…”).
I also could benefit from some gentle yet firm ninja moves to protect
myself from my tiny but freakishly strong 8-month-old daughter. I’m not
saying she’s ever hit me so hard I cried, but…I cried.
On the plus side, she’ll probably never get kidnapped. Any potential
abductor would immediately be laid low by a one-two combination of
unexpected face smack followed by dead-on nasal head-butt.
So, if anyone out there reading this can teach me how to fight like
Wolverine, but on a micro-scale (like if Wolverine was fighting some
really hyper bunnies), I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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