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Broke Wife, Big City
Why does
Hollywood keep breaking my heart?
By Aprill Brandon
I don’t remember the first time it happened. I’m sure I was young
though. Youth is the time when idol worship is at its peak.
But I do know that since then it has happened on a fairly regular basis
and yet I never grow any wiser. No matter how many times they rip my
heart out of my chest and stomp on it and then run over its tattered
remains with their super quiet, super environmentally-friendly, yet
still super expensive cars, I keep becoming emotionally invested in
celebrity couple breakups.
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe.
Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. Diane
Kruger and Joshua Jackson. Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor. Johnny
Depp and Winona Ryder (a breakup so traumatic for all of us growing up
in the 90’s that we’ll all be winos forever). Even my childhood heroes,
Kermit and Miss Piggy, called it quits.
It never fails. They all take me by surprise (even though Hollywood’s
breakup and divorce rate is approximately 104 percent) and I have to go
through the five stages of celebrity breakup grief all over again.
Denial.
Anger.
Endless dissecting of the relationship with girlfriends despite the
fact we know absolutely nothing about these people.
Wine.
Reluctant acceptance.
Not all celebrity couple breakups, of course. I was super relieved when
Katie Holmes finally broke up with (escaped from) Tom Cruise. And
ScarJo was never right for Ryan Reynolds. (Then again, neither is Blake
Lively, in my not-so-humble opinion, but what’s the poor guy to do? I’m
already taken). Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner both seem like
annoying, just truly awful, people. As for Brad Pitt and Jennifer
Aniston AND Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I don’t feel bad because
they’re all too good looking for me to ever feel bad for them for
anything ever.
The last straw, however, was Chris Pratt and Anna Faris. This couple is
the spark that started the latest dumpster fire in my broken, broken
heart. I’m still in the “wine” phase of this breakup and may be for the
foreseeable future. They were so perfect together. And happy. And oh,
WHY, GOD, WHY? DOES YOUR CRUELTY KNOW NO BOUNDS? Where the hell is that
wine bottle?
Just what is it about certain celebrity couple breakups that bother me
so much? Specifically the ones involving famous people who ALMOST seem
like the rest of us mere mortals, like Pratt and Faris?
Because it’s not that I worry that, well, if those two crazy gorgeous
kids can’t make it work than who can? I’m very happy in my own
marriage. I think my husband is sexy and an amazing father and wicked
talented and I make it a point to try and touch his butt every single
day. Vice versa, he makes me feel like I’m smart and confident and
talented and really, really good looking, even when I’m sporting both
little green Army men and chunks of chicken nuggets in my hair. And
even if things did start to go south, we’re both too lazy to initiate a
divorce, let alone go through with one.
No, I think what bothers me is that, like most delusional Americans, I
am certain that I will be rich someday. Which I will do by writing
bestselling books (speaking of delusional). You know, once I actually
sit down and write them instead of sitting down and writing about how I
will write them one day (or, my other favorite writing exercise,
getting drunk and telling anyone who will listen how I will write
them).
And when I do become rich, it seems inevitable that my marriage will
fall apart. Super rich people SUCK at marriage. Famous people even more
so. Super rich and famous people, like I completely intend to be, suck
the hardest of all.
So, when I become a disgustingly rich and famous author, I mean, it’s
basically like aiming a bazooka at my marriage license.
Sigh. I guess I’ll have to settle for only being a mildly rich and
famous author. You know, where I own a yacht but not an entire
island.
Oh, the sacrifices we mere mortals make for love.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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