|
|
 |
|
The views expressed on this page are soley
those of the author and do not
necessarily represent the views of County
News Online
|
 |
Broke Wife, Big City
(Kid)-free at
last, (kid)-free at last
By Aprill Brandon
Hey, do you guys remember what it was like before you had kids? Like,
what you used to do on a typical pre-spawn Saturday? What it felt like
to have a million hours stretched out in front of you where you could
do anything you wanted? And, most importantly, if candy tasted better
eaten out in the open instead of while huddled in a corner of a locked
bathroom, like a junkie mainlining M&M’s?
Yeah. Me neither. Apparently there gets to be a certain point in
parenthood where you can’t remember what it was like before you
reproduced. Personally, I think this forgetfulness is a survival
instinct. Your brain suppresses those pre-child memories so that your
head doesn’t explode when you have to get up at 5 a.m. on a Saturday
now and get ready and cook breakfast that no one eats and deal with
three tantrums before finally getting them to soccer practice and then
head to the grocery store because you’re out of milk and then
immediately head back to the store when you drop the milk in the
driveway and it explodes all over everything and then you look at the
clock and it’s only 9:15 a.m. and you cry a little.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because at the end of this
month, I will have four glorious days all to myself. No kids. No
husband. No dog. Just me and my questionable decision-making skills,
all alone. I’m heading to a beloved friend’s wedding in Portland,
Oregon, and there will quite literally be an entire continent between
me and my responsibilities.
And. I. Can’t. Wait.
I’ve never been away from my kids. Oh sure, an hour or three here or
there but never overnight and certainly never in a long enough time
frame for me to permanently ruin whatever is left of my tattered
reputation. And I plan to fully take advantage of this particular gift
I have been granted by the grace of the parenting gods and my friend
Adriana’s airline points.
Because, see, a lot of moms will tell you that “I don’t even know what
I’d do with myself without my kids.” Seriously, I Googled “What do moms
do when they are away from their kids?” and the pickins were slim. It
seemed to be a tie between blogs where moms boringly describe “it was
great for 15 minutes but then I just missed the kids so much, so I just
sat here like a lump until they came back” and news articles about moms
who run away from their children permanently. Because even in
motherhood, we women are still reduced down to the sinner/saint,
madonna/whore archetype.
But not me. Oh no. I’m hitting that sweet spot right in the middle
where I’m going to run off and do awful things and not feel guilty once
and then come home to my loving family smelling like happiness and
stale beer.
So, first things first, I’m going to start off slow. I want to read a
book. Read all the books, in fact. And every newspaper and magazine
from the last three years.
Then I will drink all the booze. ALL OF IT.
Sleep in. Until 7 a.m. Maybe even 7:30.
Take a long, long, long shower. Or hell, a bath. And then actually
style my hair into something other than “messy bun.” Like “purposefully
messy bun.” And then I will pluck my eyebrow until there are two again.
Eat a cheeseburger for breakfast and an entire cheesecake for dinner.
WITHOUT having to share ANY of it.
Make a huge mess. And don’t clean it up.
Run around my hotel room naked.
Run around the hotel naked.
RUN AROUND THE ENTIRE CITY NAKED.
Smoke a cigar with some old men wearing fedoras.
Steal one of the fedoras and run away laughing maniacally.
Set my daily planner on fire and cover my face with the ashes and do a
ritual pagan dance to every known deity devoted to chaos.
Write my novel!
Start a rock band!
Finally learn to juggle those fire sticks!
Buy a bunch of spray paint and become the new Banksy!
Rob a bank and give all the money to the poor!
I WILL DO ALL THE THINGS.
Right after I buy my kids a bunch of souvenirs, of course.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
|
|
|
|
