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Oh joy! A
Golden Buckeye card for Christmas
By Melissa Martin
What a lovely holiday gift. This month I received an invitation to join
the “ranks of nearly 2.4 million Ohioans eligible for a Golden Buckeye
card.” Wow! It’s party time. Thank you to the Ohio Department of Aging
for reminding me that I’m an oldster—a senior citizen. Welcome to Club
Gray.
Santa Claus probably mailed my Golden Buckeye card in time for
Christmas because I said he wasn’t real. Hilarious trick old guy. Will
I find reindeer poop on my front porch?
All Ohioans age 60 or older are eligible. There you have it. I’m
getting ready to turn 60. Yikes! My wrinkles and thinning hair prove I
qualify. In 40 years, I’ll be 100 years old. There’s my excuse for
becoming a crabby old lady.
Eventually aging catches up with all of us. No fountain of youth under
the tree. Instead there’s a gift certificate for digital hearing aids
and speedy hemorrhoid cream in our stockings. And what joker
substitutes prune juice instead of the traditional rum-spiced eggnog.
Not funny.
And stop playing that song, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. The
grandkids are laughing and singing: “Grandma got run over by a
reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say
there's no such thing as Santa, but as for me and grandpa we believe.
She'd been drinking too much eggnog and we begged her not to go. But
she forgot her medication and she staggered out the door into the
snow.” So amusing. I’m putting lumps of coal in their stockings.
Payback time.
Enough with the novelty gag gifts for the elderly. I already have a
redneck tree plunger—with artificial pine branches attached; a
big-mouth toilet mug filled with candy canes; and a squirrel in
underpants air freshener.Enough with the bathroom humor! And no more
wacky holiday hats.
Here’s my Christmas wish list: a trip to Las Vegas with Wayne Newton
show tickets, wine of the month club membership, and if you really want
to splurge, a cruise around the world is the way to go.
“You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop
laughing,” proclaimed George Bernard Shaw.
Put a kibosh on flannel nightgowns, magnifying reading glasses, and
support hosiery. “Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are
a cheese,” declared Billie Burke.
I’ll get holiday revenge by giving Claxton Fruit Cake—the traditional
kind that substitutes as a door-stopper. It’s square not round—and
heavy. “Under normal conditions, our cakes have a shelf-life of
approximately six months.” That’s what their website says.
www.claxtonfruitcake.com.
With the holiday shopping and entertaining season in full swing, the
Golden Buckeye program reminds Ohioans that you’ll find some of the
most unique gifts, party supplies, food and more for your holiday
celebrations and gift giving at locally owned small businesses…Follow
the Golden Buckeye program on Facebook for daily posts about
participating businesses and other ways to save money.
www.GoldenBuckeye.com.
The Ohio Department of Aging serves and advocates for the needs of
Ohioans age 60 and older, as well as their families, caregivers and
communities. Programs include home and community based long-term
supports and services, as well as initiatives to promote health and
wellness throughout the lifespan.
Area Agencies on Aging coordinate local services and supports for older
adults and people with disabilities in their communities. The Ohio
Department of Aging provides funding to 12 area agencies, each serving
a unique region of the state. Agencies use federal, state, local and
community funds and contributions to provide supports to older adults
living in their homes or in other settings of their choice.
www.aging.ohio.gov.
But seriously, The Ohio Department of Aging is a necessary resource for
the aging population. And old ladies like discounts, so I guess I’ll
start using the Golden Buckeye card.
“The most important thing I can tell you about aging is this: If you
really feel that you want to have an off-the-shoulder blouse and some
big beads and thong sandals and a dirndl skirt and a magnolia in your
hair, do it. Even if you're wrinkled.” –Maya Angelou
Melissa Martin, Ph.D., is an author, columnist, educator, and
therapist. She lives in Southern Ohio.
www.melissamartinchildrensauthor.com.
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