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Broke Wife, Big City
To Whom It May
Concern (yes, you)
By Aprill Brandon
I didn’t want it to have to come to this. No one ever does. Love means
never having to hire a lawyer. Or at least it should.
But, alas, here we are. It is indeed regrettable but unfortunately
necessary at this point.
And so, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you, dear children,
that you are in violation of our prenatal agreement.
Actually, you’ve both been in violation of various parts of it for
quite some time now. Remember Section 1, Subsection C, Paragraph 2?
Thou shall not give the mother stretch marks?
(Note: I don’t really know much legal jargon so I just mixed in a bunch
of Biblical vocabulary to make it sound more official. Also I was
getting high on cheeseburgers every day during the drafting of the
original document so I can’t really be held responsible for my state of
mind at the time).
Well, I do have stretch marks. Lots of them. My hips look like they’ve
been mauled by a cranky tiger.
But since you both kept up your end of the Principal Birth Accord and
came out healthy and with the appropriate amount of digits, I’m willing
to waive the Stretch Mark Clause. Especially in light of the fact that
you have both remained healthy and have kept all the aforementioned
digits in excellent condition. (Although I do feel it pertinent to
remind you at this juncture that Section 5, Paragraph 6 forbids those
digits from coming within three inches of the nasal area).
However, I need you both to immediately cease and desist with any and
all public tantrums. A fetus is able to hear inside the womb starting
at around 16 weeks, so I know you heard me when I said “you are never
allowed to flop on the floor, kicking and screaming, while occupying
space on public property.” This is what’s known as a verbal agreement,
kids. Which is legally binding.
Probably.
Which means that last week, when the two of you threw a simultaneous
tantrum inside the grocery store because you both got the exact same
number of stickers from the cashier, which made Defendant No. 1 mad
because, and I quote, “I wanted more stickers than her,” and made
Defendant No. 2 mad because, and I quote “MORE ‘DICKERS, MOMMA,” you
were in violation of Section 8, Subsection K, Paragraph 2, AND
Paragraph 7 (the latter of which specifies that any and all tantrums
may not be about something ridiculous and/or dumb).
And did you or did you not kick my bladder in acquiescence when I asked
you to agree that thou shalt never complain about what I cooked for
dinner? Let me refresh your memory: You both did. Hard. In fact, one of
you agreed so heartily that I peed myself a little.
And yet, almost every meal that is not composed of just a giant bowl of
ketchup is met with a resounding chorus of whining and various other
dramatic theatrics. Meaning you are in violation of Section 10,
Paragraph 37, also known as the “Shut Up And Eat It” stipulation.
And I think we can all agree that last night’s flagrant disregard of
Section 17, Paragraph 1, commonly referred to as the “No Pooping in the
Tub” restriction, was highly regrettable and caused no small amount of
distress, both mentally and physically, for all
involved.
As is noted in great detail in Section 26, Subsection F, Paragraph 3
through 119 of the Prenatal Agreement, I love you both very much. Which
is why, despite these unpleasant legal matters, I am still willing to
act as your Maternal Unit with the priviso that you reread and
reacquaint yourself with the particularities of Section 45, also known
as the “Knock It Off” contingency, and Section 48, also known as the
“So Help Me” eventuality.
Cordially Yours,
Momma
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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