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Start Talking!
Know! Summer
Freedom and its Challenges!
6/4/2018
It is normal and healthy for adolescents to seek increased independence
as they grow and develop. It is also normal for parents to have a hard
time letting go. Naturally, we worry about our children’s health and
safety and quite frankly, their ability to make good decisions.
However, in order for our children to become mature, responsible,
self-disciplined young people, we must loosen the reigns and allow them
to make some decisions on their own, mistakes and all.
With that said, your freedom-seeking adolescent still needs your
parental influence and the stability you provide. It is when parents
allow more freedom than a child is ready to handle, or permit the wrong
kind of freedom, that problems occur. Difficulties also arise when
parents cling too tightly, not allowing children the freedom they need.
Research tells us that children do best when they remain closely
connected with their parents, yet are free to express their own
thoughts and opinions.
The challenge for parents is in figuring out the right amount of
freedom to give and when to give it.
Consider these tips in helping with that challenge:
Grant Independence in Stages: While age is important in deciding when
and how much freedom to give, maturity and past performance are also
key factors. Start small, permitting your child to make some decisions
that don’t entail major consequences. If done well, you may choose to
increase your son or daughter’s freedom a bit further. Regardless, you
will gain a better sense of your child’s maturity level and his/her
decision-making skills.
Set Clear Limits: Limits actually make children feel loved and more
secure. They need and want to know what behavior is expected of them,
especially as they are given additional freedoms. You don’t want your
child to assume that increased freedom on one thing necessarily means
increased freedom on something else. Therefore, boundaries must be set
and clearly known by your child.
Give Reasonable Choices: Choices make youth more open to guidance. For
instance, instead of just saying, “No, you can’t go to the party,”
include some options like, “You can’t go the party, but you can have
some friends over or I can drop you and some friends off at the movies.”
Guide Their Thinking: Adolescents are more responsive when they feel
you are trying to guide, not control them. Engage your child in
conversation, listen carefully, and then ask questions to get your
child thinking about the potential outcomes of his/her actions.
Mistakes and Consequences Should Be Embraced: Making mistakes and
experiencing the consequences that go along with them can serve as the
best learning tool of all for our children - so long as the stakes
aren’t too high and their health and safety aren’t at risk. Teach your
child how to step back, examine what may have gone wrong and encourage
them to think about how different choices may have led to a more
positive outcome. We must resist the temptation to make excuses for our
children’s poor choices or bail them out of difficult situations so
that they may avoid the negative consequences. Children need to learn
that every choice has a consequence, for better or worse, and they must
be held accountable for their actions.
We must accept our children’s desire and need for increased
independence and freedom while still providing guidance and support. In
doing so, we provide our adolescents the opportunity they need to learn
from their mistakes, take personal responsibility for their actions and
grow in both maturity and self-discipline.
Learn how to get the conversation started at StartTalking.Ohio.Gov.
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