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Start Talking!
Know! To Stop,
Drop and Breathe
3/6/2018
Even as adults, anger can be a difficult emotion to control, especially
when it involves a child who continues to defy his or her parents. No
one can push our buttons like our own children. However, the importance
of exhibiting self-control in order to discipline a child
appropriately, is monumental.
An angry parent is scary enough. An angry parent who is in the habit of
yelling and screaming, swearing and/or calling their child names, is
likely to cause even more harm, since a child’s very sense of ‘self’
depends so greatly on mom and dad. As for hitting, slapping or other
physical force toward a child; it is likely to not only cause fear and
hurt in the present, but can leave lasting, negative impressions that
follow the child into adulthood, including relationship problems, as
well as increased risk for substance abuse, among other issues.
We love our children more than anything, but we all get frustrated and
angry with them at times – that’s human nature. We are the adult in the
relationship, however, so we must behave like one to express that
frustration and anger properly. We must also keep in mind that we are
our children’s role models.
They, of course, get angry, too. And how they handle their anger will
depend a great deal on what they’ve learned by watching us. So think
about the qualities and characteristics you want to create and nurture
within your child, and the type of person you want your child to
become. Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful
Parents, Happy Kids, offers these tips as effective, positive ways to
discipline your child, that encourage better behavior, while keeping
your emotions in-check:
Set limits and expectations BEFORE you get angry: Make sure the rules
are clear and clearly known.
Calm down BEFORE you take action: Anger causes us to lose our ability
to think clearly. So if your heart is beginning to race and your body
is starting to tense, it is time to STOP, DROP (your agenda, just for a
minute), and BREATHE. This is like hitting the pause button on the
situation.
Take five or 10: You may need to step away for a moment to gain your
composure and harness your self-control. Exiting does not let your
child win. Instead it lets them know how serious the situation is, plus
it models self-control. Just say, as calmly as you can, “I am too mad
right now to talk about this. I am going to take a moment and calm
down.”
WAIT before disciplining: Make it a point to NEVER to act while angry.
Nothing says you have to hand out a punishment on the fly. In fact,
when we do, it is more likely to be irrational. Give yourself time to
think; you can say something like, “I want to think about what just
happened, and we will talk about it later. In the meantime, I need to
make dinner and you need to finish your homework, please.” The suspense
will be much more powerful than a list of empty threats that are not
enforced because they were said in the heat of the moment.
AVOID PHYSICAL FORCE, NO MATTER WHAT: This is an instance where
hands-off parenting is a must. According to Dr. Markham, getting
physical may make YOU feel better temporarily because it discharges
your rage, but it is bad for your child, and ultimately sabotages
everything positive you do as a parent.
Monitor your tone and word choice: Nothing positive comes from swearing
and/or speaking disrespectfully to children. It will only cause upset
and further escalate the situation. Speaking in a calm tone, using
appropriate language, helps us to remain calm and helps our children to
respond more calmly.
Consider that you’re part of the problem: Angry parents are more likely
to produce angry kids. Be open to emotional growth, take responsibility
to manage your own emotions first, and seek assistance if needed. Your
positive example will bring your child closer to you, make them want to
please you more and it will set the foundation for them in knowing how
to appropriately deal with negative emotions.
Learn how to get the drug prevention conversation started at
StartTalking.Ohio.Gov.
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