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Start Talking!
Know! To Talk
Teen Relationships and Dating
2/21/2018
February is the month of romance, so what better time than now to bring
up the subject with your teen? Whether your teen has shown interest in
dating, it has more than likely crossed his or her mind. It is vitally
important for our daughters and our sons to hear from us on this
subject. They need to know what a healthy relationship entails; they
need to be clear on the family rules regarding teen romance and dating;
and they need to be keenly aware that no means no, and “love” does not
equal sex.
Uncomfortable with the topic? Understandable, but their understanding
of a healthy relationship is a must, and it’s up to parents to discuss
and shar this important topic. If you don’t answer your teen’s
questions, they’ll look elsewhere for the information, including their
friends and the internet. This is a critical subject that needs to be
discussed regularly with our children throughout adolescence.
Here are some specific topics to address:
Healthy Teen Relationships: Role modeling is the most effective tool in
teaching your child what a healthy relationship looks like. But in
addition to seeing it in action, young people need to be taught that a
healthy relationship includes mutual respect, understanding, trust,
honesty, communication and support. It also involves setting healthy
boundaries that are respected by both partners (including NO means NO),
as well as the freedom to maintain outside interests and friendships.
Unhealthy and Abusive Teen Relationships: Unhealthy relationships
consist of any type of imbalance of power and control, which can
develop into an abusive relationship as well. One in three adolescents
in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse
from a dating partner. Abusive relationships in adolescence
additionally place youth at a greater likelihood for making other
hazardous life choices, which oftentimes lead to substance misuse,
eating disorders and risky sexual behaviors. Click on LoveIsRespect.org
for a comprehensive list of the various types of dating abuse and their
warning signs.
Differences between Infatuation, Lust and Love: During adolescence
infatuation and lust are oftentimes mistaken for “love,” as they can
all elicit those feel-good butterflies and goosebumps. But there is a
difference, a big difference. Typically based on physical attraction,
infatuation can happen instantly, and even with someone you don’t know.
It is short-lived and once those momentary feelings wear off, so does
the desire to be with that person. The same goes with lust - which is
the intense desire for someone or something. Unlike infatuation and
lust, love builds and develops over time. Where infatuation and lust
can cause people to act selfishly, for their own pleasure, love is
unselfish, kind, respectful and honest, and desires only positive
outcomes for the other person. The key here is that love does NOT equal
sex. And if a partner truly loves you, he or she will not pressure you
to do anything you are not ready to do.
Sex: At this point, your teens are likely familiar with the birds and
bees, but give them a chance to get clarity and ask questions. It’s
fine to acknowledge that the subject is a little uncomfortable, but it
is important to be direct and share with them the risks of sexual
activity objectively, including the emotional pain, sexually
transmitted infections, and unplanned pregnancy. They also need to hear
that oral sex, which is popular among teens, isn’t a risk-free
alternative to intercourse. This is also a good opportunity to talk
about your personal family values and religious beliefs.
Setting Your Expectations and Boundaries: We’re talking about things
like curfews, restrictions on who you allow your child to date, who
will pay for the date, and, of course, your expectations regarding
sexual activity. Be aware that your influence on this topic matters!
Research shows that sexual activity is delayed when parents communicate
their disapproval of teen sex.
Offer Your Support: Your teen needs to know they can count on you for
support. It’s about showing compassion when needed, lending an
attentive ear, and reminding them they can always come to you with
questions or concerns about their relationship and/or sex. When, and
if, they do come to you for support, be sure to give them words of
affirmation and praise for their good decision.
As you talk to your teen, you may want to consider using gender-
inclusive language regarding sexual preference. If a young person is
questioning their sexual orientation, this may provide the open door
they’re looking for to share their feelings with you. It may also help
your teen feel more comfortable with his or her identity.
And finally, the most important thing you can do when talking with your
teen about relationships and dating is to show them respect; respect
for their opinions and beliefs, and respect for their individuality.
This will help to set the foundation for a lifetime of trust and open
dialogue between you and your child, on a variety of important topics.
Remember to follow Start Talking! on Twitter and Like us on Facebook.
Learn how to get the drug prevention conversation started at
StartTalking.Ohio.Gov.
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