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Broke Wife, Big City
I survived the
first week of school
(and all I got was this lousy column)
By Aprill Brandon
I was ready for the tears. I knew they’d come. From him. And me. Oof,
so many tears. So much ugly cry. An absurd amount of snot leaking from
our faces.
I was ready for the fear and the anxiety. Again, on both our parts.
This is a huge change. Since the day he was born we’ve been by each
other’s sides and now... well, now the real world was wrenching us
apart.
And I was ready for the guilt. The guilt of abandoning my precious
first-born to the unfeeling ABC factory that is pre-K. I had already
been torturing myself with this guilt for weeks beforehand. He’s so
little! His backpack is bigger than he is! He’s not ready! This is
going to scar him for life! No one loves him like I do! Who the hell
are these teachers!? They could be serial killers for all I know! Or
worse, hippies!
What I wasn’t ready for, however, was that we had to do it all over
again the next day. And then again. And then again.
School is exhausting. For the parents.
No one really warns you about this. And maybe it’s not this way for
every kid. But my kid is the kind of kid who doesn’t like things.
Things like other people. Other kids. Anything that is even slightly
new. He made up his mind at 8-months-old what he liked and he’s pretty
much stuck with that list since then.
And it’s a very short list.
So, before 8 a.m. alone, I have to be a cheerleader and a prison warden
and a life coach all rolled into one.
“But school is so
much fun, honey! All those cool new things you’re learning! You’re
doing so amazing!”
“If you don’t march
into this bathroom and brush your teeth in the next 30 seconds, I’m
putting you in solitary.”
“Fear is just the
body embracing change, sweetie. Or something. Look, your feelings are
valid. OK? Never doubt that. But also, we’re late so can you feel them
while also putting on your shoes?”
If I had to do a brief breakdown of our week, it’d look something like
this:
Day One:
“Momma, I love you so much! Please don’t leave me!”
“Oh baby! I’m so sorry! I have to! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”
*go home and sob in
the fetal position while clutching his baby pictures*
Day Two:
“Please don’t leave me again! I love you!”
“Oh baby, I know you’re scared but you can do this. I’ll be back before
you know it.”
*go home and Google
home schooling options while sniffling*
Day Three:
“MOMMA! Stop leaving me! Please stay! PLEASE!”
“Yeah, I can’t. You’ll be fine though. Love you.”
*use crowbar to
gently but firmly detach him from my leg*
Day Four:
“Mommy! I don’t want to keep doing this! Let me stay with you!”
“Nope. OK, bye.”
*already scrolling
Yelp for nearby breakfast places*
Because as draining as starting the whole school routine can be,
physically, mentally and emotionally, at a certain point you just have
to get over it. This is the new normal for us. Life has to go on. We
have 174 more days of this. Followed by 13 more years of this. And then
probably college once we sell off some pretty major body parts in order
to afford it.
Oh no. I started crying again.
Anyone know if liquor stores have back-to-school specials?
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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