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NPR Ed
How To Counter Back-To-School Anxiety
Elissa Nadworny
August 28, 2017
The start of the school year can be rough on some kids. It's a big
shift from summer's freedom and lack of structure to the measured
routines of school. And sometimes that can build up into tears, losing
sleep, outbursts and other classic signs of anxiety.
"Going back to school is a transition for everyone," says Lynn Bufka, a
practicing psychologist who also works at the American Psychological
Association. "No matter the age of the child, or if they've been to
school before."
In the vast majority of cases, this is pretty standard stuff. It
doesn't mean it's not painful — for you and your kids. Just watch this
viral video -- (Andrew is now in first grade and doing fine).
"If you see that in your kids, don't panic," says John Kelly, a school
psychologist in Long Island, N.Y. "For most kids, there's gonna be some
level of anxiety."
And, if you think back on it, you can probably remember feeling that way, too.
We talked to some experts about what parents can do to ease the
transition — plus, what to watch out for if there's a more serious
problem.
Here's their list of tips:
Listen to your kid
Be available, says Bufka. If children have questions about school, or,
once school starts, something exciting happens during the day, parents
should make time to listen. Sharing the excitement can help ease
concerns.
Tune in to what your kids are talking about. "Emotionally, parents are
the safe place for children to experience emotions and to help them
develop the language around expressing emotions," says Bufka.
Be specific
Beyond listening in general, drill down to the specifics. "It's
important for parents to explore with their kids what they're feeling
anxious about," says Bufka.
If parents know what, exactly, is making students nervous — friends, classes, a new teacher — they can help problem-solve.
Let kids be the experts
Eleanor Mackey, a psychologist with Children's National Health System
in Washington, D.C., suggests asking kids what might make them feel
better.
"Let them generate solutions," she says. "Ask them what helps them feel better in other scary situations."
If they need help coming up with ideas, parents can help them role-play
tough situations or come up with strategies they can use in situations
that make them worried.
Positive messaging
Create a positive expectation. Talk about things your kids can look
forward to in school, past experiences they've enjoyed. Friends or
field trips are good examples.
Talk through previous triumphs
Many kids have been nervous or anxious before, so reminding them of their own successes with similar situations can help.
Try: "Remember last year, when you were feeling this way? You got through it."
Reassuring kids that they have the tools to get through the challenge
ahead, because they've overcome their fears in the past, can go a long
way, says Bufka.
Mackey says parents may be unsure what to say in situations like this. She offers a template:
"I understand you are scared – that's just fine. I also know that you
can manage this. Remember last year when you were so nervous but you
did it and made it through and ... made a great new friend, did well in
Spanish, etc..."
Reach out to the teacher
"I'm surprised at how reluctant parents are to talk to the teacher,"
says Mackey. "They don't want to be that parent, or they don't want to
label their kid with issues."
And yet, she says, teachers have consistently told her they like hearing from parents.
Educators spend a lot of time trying to figure each kid out, she
explains, so if you can save them the time, why not share? Parents are,
after all, the experts on their kids.
Maybe your child is scared to answer questions in front of class, or
has anxiety about being put on the spot — let the teacher know. She (or
he) can use that information to help design the class, or maybe there
can be more small-group work instead.
Parents can also tell their kids they've talked to the teacher, which
can lower anxiety and send the message that the adults are on their
side.
Start the routine early
"It's always helpful to practice your routines before things start," says Bufka.
Find (and clean!) backpacks, lunch boxes, folders and other supplies.
Plan ahead and get children involved in the planning process — have
them get their belongs ready, etc.
"That gives the child a sense of mastery over the situation," Bufka
explains. "Getting your child engaged about the new thing will help
them feel like it's more under their control."
Often, families try to squeeze in a last fun adventure right at the
end, but that can make things worse. Don't wait for the night before,
says John Kelly, who is also the president of the National Association
of School Psychologists. "You really need to start that adjustment
early."
That means getting up earlier — and going to bed earlier, too.
It's kind of a no-brainer that sleep is essential, Mackey points out, but patterns can't be adjusted (literally) overnight.
"Kids really get out of rhythm in the summer," she says, and this has a bigger impact than adults realize.
"When we're tired, we're moody, and little things can feel really big,"
Mackey explains. "Anxiety is much worse if sleep is bad. Make sure you
have a good quiet routine and early enough bedtime that your child can
get sufficient sleep."
Oh, and turn off that tablet or smartphone before bed, too.
Do a dry run
If it's a new school or a new neighborhood, introduce students to that
situation before the big day. Visiting the school, or walking to and
from the bus stop, can go a long way, says Mackey. You may have to do
this more than once to make it seem familiar, she says. "Just once may
lead to more anxiety."
A dry run can help even if it's not a new school. Kelly calls it: Say Hello To the School Again.
It's a great way to remind anxious kids they've been here before. Many
schools are open the week before Day 1, often teachers are around, too.
If the school has an orientation, don't miss it.
Social connections
When kids can make social connections before they start school, that's
a really helpful step, says Kelly. Many kids have anxiety around
friends, "Who's going to be in my class? Who can I sit with at lunch?
Ride the bus with?"
Especially for older students, comparing schedules with friends can help.
Don't ignore clothing anxiety
Parents may not think that what you wear on the first day matters, but
for kids it can be huge. Especially, John Kelly says, in the middle and
high school years.
Read some books
Kelly recommends School's First Day of School, by Adam Rex. It's about
how nervous the school itself is. First Day Jitters by Julie Danneberg
is helpful for kids starting new schools. And, Kelly says, for really
young kids try Nancy Carlson's Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come.
Carlson's book also has a Spanish version: Preparate, kindergarten!
Alla voy!
Chill out after school
Give kids a break after school, says Mackey. They don't need a lot of
time, 5 to 10 minutes is just fine. Kids, she explains, need this after
a hectic day when their brains are in overdrive.
Try doing it with them. A few minutes of quiet or light conversation
can be great for the whole family — and it's another opportunity to
connect with your kids.
Remember: Easing anxiety can take time
Not everyone is going to adjust to a new situation on the first day. Be
patient. Each day can bring new challenges. This is especially true for
older students, who are navigating new classes, different teachers and
changing schedules.
It's very normal for kids to have trouble for a week or two weeks into
the school year. "It's all new," says Kelly. "They're restarting
routines, or starting routines for the first time, and that can take a
while."
Parents have anxiety, too
"It's important for parents to realize that schools are filled with
professionals who work with children all the time," says Bufka.
Remember, Kelly adds, kids are going to pick up cues from parents, so
making sure you're comfortable too is an important piece.
Signs that it's not normal
There are some warning signs that your child may need some extra help.
Kelly ticks off a few: If you really see your child struggling, having
a really difficult time just getting to school or feeling increasingly
anxious at nighttime.
Bufka says as a parent, you're in the best position to observe changes in their behavior.
"If the child is refusing to do things that they've normally done, or
that they've not had difficulty doing before," she says, "that's a sign
that something isn't going right."
Maybe it's a bully, or your child is really overwhelmed and needs some extra work with a psychologist.
Bufka says that in some cases anxiety around school can develop into
school refusal, where kids flat out refuse to go. And that's definitely
the time to contact a professional.
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