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Broke Wife, Big City
I
don’t know who you are, but I will find you
By Aprill Brandon
It’s been a long, hard winter. A long, hard winter that is barely a
third of the way over. And yet, if I’m doing my math correctly, my
family has already been sick 1,376 times since November.
I’ve seen things, man. Things not even a mom should have to see. Every
shade of vomit. Every consistency of mucus. Pure liquid evil coming out
tiny terrified tushies. All of which I cleaned up while dealing with my
own vomit, mucus and terrified tushie.
An experience like that changes a person. It hardens you. These
illnesses have taken away my family’s health and sanity and our entire
Nyquil budget for the whole year already.
But no more. I’m not letting them take anything else.
Which is why I have a message for all the people out there who have
passed their germs onto my family...
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. I can tell you I
don’t have money. But what I also don’t have are skills, particular or
otherwise. Unless you count writing as a skill and even then, these
skills I have acquired over a very long career are still mediocre at
best. Still, I will find a way to make myself a nightmare for people
like you. I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.
Ok, Ok, I won’t kill you. That’s pretty illegal, I think. But I will
tie you up and waterboard you with Purell until you’ve learned your
lesson.
So you, yeah you, on the subway. The one hacking into his hands and
then TOUCHING THE POLE. I’m coming for you. And I will hurl cough drops
at your face until you learn how to do the vampire cough, you animal.
You know, where you cough into the crook of your elbow so your germs
don’t INVADE EVERYONE ELSE WITHIN A 20 FOOT RADIUS OF YOUR DISEASED
ASS.
And to all you parents and nannies and caretakers coming to library
storytime with your leaky charges, I get it. I do. You need out of the
house. You need to entertain the kid. You need basic human interaction.
However if your child puked that morning but now “feels, like, so much
better!” that doesn’t mean they are, like, magically healed. They are
still contagious. Go home before I dump buckets of bleach mixed with
Emergen-C over both your heads.
Also, to literally everyone who works in my husband’s office...dammit,
guys. Come on. I don’t know if there is an office pool or something for
who can bring in the most devastating domestic illness but we are done
participating. Don’t make me come there and spray you all down with a
Nerf gun I filled with Lysol.
Oh, and Sophia P.? I know the cold that I just got over was from when
you coughed in my mouth at preschool. Which is particularly egregious
since we are not even related. You seemed so innocent. Your tiny hand
tapping my arm, to gain my attention, only for me to bend down and then
have you immediately cough directly into my face. I never saw it
coming. A weapon of individual destruction. But still, I’mma give you a
free pass, sweetheart. Even I draw the line at harming 4-year-olds.
(But like, just barely. The line is drawn in a pale shade of pastel
chalk. So watch yourself.)
There’s still a lot of winter left. Technically two more months,
calendar-wise. Reality-wise, however, we have two more months followed
by a month of just pure sleet, and then a surprise snowstorm and then a
week of beautiful weather and then three more weeks of sleet before
BOOM, it’s 90 degrees.
So, let’s all work together to try and keep ourselves and, by
extension, everyone else, as healthy as we can for the remainder of the
season.
Besides, I think all my other solutions might be in a murky gray area
of legality, so...
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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