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Grieving the sudden death of a parent
By Melissa Martin, PhD
When unexpected death enters our world, we are caught off-guard and
unprepared for the intense loss and agonizing pain. We did not get to
say good-by to our loved one.
In a mere second of time our lives are forever changed. We struggle to do daily life without our person.
The following are excerpts from a website called Grief Out Loud where
grievers tell their stories. You can listen to short clips of these
conversations in a series of mini-episodes. I highly recommend this
resource. www.deardougy.libsyn.com.
“For Camila, death came barreling into her world with zero warning.
When she was 21 her world shifted on its axis on an average morning in
September. She woke up in the house she shared with her mother in the
Bay Area expecting just another day. Then, she went to check on her
mother, only to find that she had died in her sleep. There were no
warning signs. No indicators that anything was amiss. Her mom was there
and then she wasn’t. In the 9 years since that morning, Camila has
grieved intensely and intently. She’s searched for connections with her
mother, finding an outlet for expression in writing.” The Progression
of Grief: A collection of poems (2017) is a self-published book by
Camila Martin. The author takes us on an intimate journey through her
experience of grief over the seven years following her mother’s
unexpected death.
“Five years ago Sarah was 23, doing what a lot of 23-year-olds do -
working, hanging out with friends, starting life as a "real" adult, and
living at home with her mom and dad. Then on a totally average day in
May, Sarah walked into the house to find that her mom had an aortic
aneurysm. The paramedics came and she was rushed to the hospital where
she died later that night. How do you go from being in one world - the
world where your person is alive and washing dishes and folding laundry
and calling your name down the hall - to another where this person no
longer exists in their physical form? How do your brain and body and
spirit even begin to make sense of that? Sarah talks about the
extremely close relationship she had with her mother and how she worked
to bridge this before and after world of grief.”
“In 2017, pop singer-songwriter Neil Davis, was about to release his
second album when his father died suddenly of cardiac arrest. In that
moment, everything in Neil's world changed, including his album release
plans. A few months ago in March of 2019, Neil released a new single,
Not Better, which explores the heartbreak of grief and the questions we
are left with when someone dies. Questions about gone-ness and what
does the term better actually mean when it comes to grief?”
A sudden death is an unanticipated death. While sudden deaths have very
different causes, what unites them all is that they are unforeseen. The
people bereaved by these deaths have no time to prepare for their loss.
Bereavement consequently comes as a shock; a bolt from the blue.
Download their free PDF guide about coping with sudden death at
www.suddendeath.org.
It is hard to comprehend that your parent, who has always been there,
is now gone. There were so many things you did together or had hoped to
do with them. Now you must adjust to a new way of perceiving the world.
www.ourhouse-grief.org.
My mother also died unexpectedly. And maybe your parent died
unexpectedly as well. Nonetheless, our parent lives on in our memories,
our DNA, and through our children.
Melissa Martin, Ph.D., is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist. She lives in Southern Ohio.
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