Broke Wife, Big City
Potty
Training II: The Sequel (Even Squishier)
By Aprill Brandon
Humans are good at many things. I mean, just look at all the things we
have learned to ferment in only a few short millennia.
But perhaps one of the things we are best at is avoiding doing things
we don’t want to do. We have mastered this skill. Utterly mastered it.
Individually and as a group. Our avoidance skills will be the number
one thing aliens from outer space write in their field notes while
studying us.
Observations on the Human Species by Dr.
Blekblorrrg
Made
contact today for the first time. Although the biped I ran into, who
calls itself a people, immediately tried to erase the memory by
consuming large quantities of fermented berries straight from a bottle.
(Interesting side note: They also appear to worship cats and cheese).
You think we got to the top of the food chain because of opposable
thumbs and tools? Nah, son. It’s because wooly mammoths had no idea how
to avoid extinction and we’ve managed to put it off until at least
2100.
But it’s not just on an epically global scale where we practice these
skills. Take, for instance, the lengths I have gone just to avoid
having to potty train my youngest child. Sure, she’s only two, but when
she asked me last week, point-blank, “Momma, can I go pee in the
potty?” I responded “Absolutely, honey. We can definitely do that. Next
week.”
Look, I know I should. I really should. Just rip off the metaphorical
diaper and let the river of urine and frustration flow freely. But I
have a very good, very valid, reason for putting this entire thing off.
I don’t want to do it.
I mean, I’ve already been through this with her big brother. And before
him, it was training the dog. And before him, it was training the
husband.
At this point, I’m over it. When did I get promoted to PeePee Police?
It’s a giant bowl, for crying out loud. All the peeps and poops go in
it. Then flush, bang, boom, you’re done. Can’t you just, like, train
yourself, sweetie? Like how you taught yourself all those curse words I
definitely had nothing to do with?
There’s just so much work involved. So much patience involved. So much
ruined furniture involved.
Unfortunately, my daughter is giving me little choice at this point.
Trying to get a diaper on or off her little tushie these days is a saga
of epic portions. As soon as she even thinks I might be thinking of
changing her diaper, she runs. She hides. She wrestles. She kicks. She
escapes. She’s recaptured. She bites. She stands in the corner. She
cries. She finally accepts her fate. Ha! Just kidding! She runs off
again, her little cheeks flapping freely in the wind.
So, it’s time. That’s the thing when you have kids. You can’t put
things off forever. It’s not like avoiding doing your taxes, where you
probably have a good ten years before anyone catches on. People will
definitely notice a 12-year-old wearing diapers.
But all this does bring up the important issue of why are there no
programs where I can just drop my kid off for a week and she comes back
completely potty trained? I mean, I can get Taco Bell delivered to my
door at 4 a.m. seven days a week but I still have to potty train my own
children?
Come on, fellow humans. We’re better than this. Once we can no longer
avoid doing something, at the very least we should then be able to pass
the responsibility on to some strangers we pay to deal with it.
Let’s not let down Dr. Blekblorrrg and his research team.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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