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I Can’t Not Sing
By Natalie Milligan
Edison State Communications Student
I can't not sing. When I'm unable to sleep, I get up in the middle of
the night to sing and quietly play my keyboard. I do this in hopes that
I do not wake up my mom who will tell me to go back to bed. I've never
felt more at home than I do up on the stage singing into a microphone,
blinded by the spotlight, and forgetting that there is anyone else in
the room.
Almost every picture taken of me singing features me with my eyes
closed. We close our eyes during some of the most intimate, private,
and spiritual moments in our lives: kissing, praying, crying, and in my
case, singing. Singing gives me the ability to express myself in ways
that are not otherwise possible. It has carried me through some of the
best and worst times in my life. When my grandma passed away in March
of 2017, I sang "Trust In You" by Lauren Daigle and accompanied myself
on the piano at her funeral. That was the only time throughout the
entire service that I was emotionally stable. I think that God helped
me keep it together through that song because He needed me to give a
message of hope to everyone who felt that they could not go on. Singing
is how I got through my depression. Singing is how I help out with my
church. Singing is how I support myself. Singing is how I bond with my
musical family. Singing is how I survive.
Singing has not always been easy or enjoyable for me. My mom loves to
remind that at my preschool graduation when my class was performing the
musical number we had rehearsed to perform for our parents, I turned
around and cried the entire time, shoulders shaking and all. When I was
four years old, and a little less shy, I sang happy birthday to my
grandpa on a family vacation. Afterwards, my aunt approached my mother
saying, "Do you realize that your four-year-old daughter already has
vibrato in her voice?" Over the years I continued to sing in public
occasionally at Christmas Eve services for my church, school, local
theatre, and even on the bus home from my junior high tennis matches
(to the bus driver's delight).
The first time music truly spoke to me was quite recent. My choir
performs at church services in the spring as a way of reaching out to
the community and expressing our faith. During my solo at a
performance, there was not a dry eye in the entire church. This shared
experience lit a fire within me that sparked a passion I had never felt
before. I am convinced I was no longer in control and that my God was
using me for the purpose that he made me for, to sing.
In the past few months, singing has taken on a new role in my life, a
job. I have had four gigs thus far and two coming up this holiday
season. The result has been entirely positive. I have developed
meaningful relationships with small businesses in my community and
strengthened my bond with my choir teacher and role model, who has been
kind enough to lend me sound equipment and help me navigate the
business side of music. With each opportunity, I create new goals for
myself in terms of ability, range, and accompaniment. I increase these
standards in hopes of exceeding the audience’s expectations of a high
school choir student. The ultimate goal is achieving a high level of
professionalism while expressing my vulnerability and authenticity.
Singing has improved every part of my life. It has given me confidence,
a sense of belonging, strengthened my faith, and led to countless
opportunities I would not otherwise have. I know deep down, wherever I
go, whatever I do, I can’t not sing.
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