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Prevention Action Alliance
Know! To Handle Mean Girls and Move on
If your child’s safety is at-risk at any point, her property gets
damaged or stolen, or the situation simply becomes too much for her to
handle directly, you (parents) will need to step in and contact the
school, law enforcement, or other appropriate party, depending on the
circumstances.
In the previous tip, Know! To Defend Against Mean Girls, we learned
that the long-term consequences of mean-girl-type bullying include
eating disorders, body image issues, substance abuse, PTSD,
self-harming behaviors, depression and even thoughts of suicide.
Clearly an issue to be addressed.
In fact, addressing the issue through open and positive communication
is what experts say is the best defense in protecting our daughters.
In talking with her about a mean girl situation, experts encourage parents to:
Empathize and Validate: A surefire way to get your child to never tell
you anything again is to blow off or minimize her experience. Instead,
allow her to share how she is feeling. Listen attentively before you
start asking questions or offering advice. Let her know you understand
how she must feel betrayed, embarrassed or hurt, but that the problem
lies within this other person, not her. Remind her of her beauty and
strengths, and all the positives she radiates.
Encourage Confidence and Assertiveness: Mean girls generally target
those they feel they can easily manipulate and control. Empower your
daughter by teaching her stand tall, use a strong speaking voice and to
make eye contact when addressing this person. The goal is for your
daughter to confidently defend herself, while remaining respectful and
not resorting to “mean girl” tactics in return. Remind your child that
this other person is counting on her being passive, and she must see
that she has barked up the wrong tree.
Help her Consider her Response: Remind your daughter that we cannot
control other people’s mouths or actions, but we can control how we
respond to them. Encourage her to keep her responses free of emotion,
regardless of what this other girl says or does. And if it is too much,
she should just ignore the girl and walk away. Encourage her to then
come talk to you or another trusted adult on how to go from there.
Suggest she Seek Out New Friends: Oftentimes the mean girl is a person
your child thought was her friend. And if this newfound “frenemy” has
successfully recruited other girls in their circle to join her, your
daughter may find herself on the outside. Talk with your child about
how to spot fake friends, and what it means to be a real friend.
Encourage her to branch out and think about other peers who might be
fun to hang out with, and be willing to help her develop those new
relationships.
Something additionally to keep in mind is that most children want us
(mom and dad) to think they are popular and well-liked, because they
believe that is what we want for them. They may hesitate to share these
types of incidents with us so as not to “disappoint” us. Naturally we
want our children to have friends and be well-liked, but we must be
careful to put the emphasis on the quality of those friendships, not
the quantity.
Our children must know they are worthy and deserving of kindness and
real friends, and they must carefully choose the people they allow in.
They must also be comfortable in coming to us if problems arise, and do
so long before things spiral out of control.
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