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NPR
From 1st Phones To Online Porn: Answers To Your Screen Time Questions
Anya Kamenetz
September 18, 2019
When I was growing up, my grandmother was full of wise sayings about
iPad time: "A Twitch or Vine wastes time." "The family that plays Super
Mario 3D World together stays together."
Oh, wait — no, she wasn't. And I bet your grandma didn't have a lot to
say about TikTok feuds or lewd GIFs or Snapchat interrupting homework
either. None of that stuff was common back in her day. That leaves
parents like me struggling to make good decisions in a technology
landscape that sometimes moves as fast as, well, Super Mario 3D World.
"I always say, it takes a village to raise children; it takes an online
village to help keep them safe," says Ana Homayoun, an education
consultant in Silicon Valley and author of several books, including
Social Media Wellness. NPR's Life Kit asked for her thoughts on
questions we got from listeners around the U.S. about parenting and
digital technology.
When should kids get their first phone?
My son, who's 11, is about to start middle school. He doesn't have a
cellphone yet. When do I get a cellphone? What kind of cellphone does
he get? — Jill Kelsey, mother of two (11 and 8), Greenville, S.C.
Homayoun recommends you consider three things when getting a child a first phone:
1. Circumstances: Why does the child need a phone? Why does the child want a phone? Is it for safety or social reasons?
2. Maturity: This is about your individual child — don't go by just age
or grade. How do they respond to something when it doesn't go as
planned? Are they impulsive? Do they take care of their belongings?
3. Start slow: Get a flip phone or entry-level smartwatch first. You
can always upgrade later. (Consider the GizmoWatch, Relay or
Jitterbug.)
Take the phone away at night and at other designated times, such as until homework is done.
How do I help my child handle cyberbullying?
Again, from Jill Kelsey: I know social media can be a tough place for girls. So how do I help [my daughter] navigate that?
Homayoun says don't pretend you have all the answers. Instead, admit to your lack of knowledge and listen to your kids.
"I am so open with my students when I'm clueless," she says. "I'm like,
'Really? Really? That is what's going on?' But then they're like,
'Yeah, let me tell you more and let me explain this to you,' because
they are the imparters of knowledge in that situation. And the roles
are reversed, and that empowers them."
Homayoun recommends a strategy she calls "rehearsing the parting line":
Help a kid come up with a script so they know what to say when someone
says something mean online or shares a video or photo that makes them
feel uncomfortable.
For example, a kid could say, "My mom checks my phone, so please don't
send me that kind of stuff." Or "Can we talk about this in person
later?"
How do I talk to my kid about online porn?
I can tell you that when I was his age, I was definitely looking,
trying to get pornography any way I could. ... But to have the app so
accessible, you know, in the palm of his hand, day in and day out, to
us as parents, it's really unnerving. — JD, father of four, including a
14-year-old son (we're not using his full name to protect the family's
privacy), Moscow, Idaho
Whether you object to pornography on religious grounds or are concerned
about how it portrays women, Homayoun says you need to be the one to
start the conversation.
A child might be interested in porn for many reasons, from simple
curiosity to exploring an LGBT identity, she says. You need to ask —
and listen — to find out.
"Kids really want to talk about this stuff," Homayoun says. "They are
going online because they're looking for answers that for some reason
they're not getting in real life."
If you need more motivation, a study from Texas Tech University found
that the more parents talked about pornography with their
middle-school-aged children — not necessarily condemning it wholesale,
just sharing their values — the less those children viewed pornography
when they went to college. It also had a less-negative impact on their
self-esteem if their partners viewed pornography.
How do I help them balance homework with screen use?
My oldest had some issues just managing how much he was using the iPad.
... It would look like he was doing his homework, and it was literally
taking him all night and sometimes the next morning to get his homework
done. ... I had told him if you just finish your homework, we'll give
you an hour of screen time afterward. ... It just wasn't clicking for
him. — Tammy Bristol, mother of two (11 and 9), Downers Grove, Ill.
For boys that age, says Homayoun, "we really want to build intrinsic
motivation around developing better habits, and we want them to be part
of the conversation around self-regulation."
Don't forever be the enforcer who has to breathe down your kids' necks
to get them to accomplish their goals, she says. Instead, break up
focused work into chunks: 15 minutes followed by three- to five-minute
breaks. Make a game of it; see how fast they can get the homework done
and how much they understand it.
"We have students in high school that start from 15 minutes and work
their way up so they can do 45 minutes without taking a break, and then
they take a 15- to 20-minute break," Homayoun explains.
Whether the issue is porn, homework or something else, Homayoun has one
important reminder: Parents need to understand the signs of problematic
overuse.
"If your child is gaming and can't stop and it's affecting everyday
living — like it's affecting hygiene, it's affecting moodiness, it's
affecting basic eating and behavioral habits that are important — that
could be a sign of problematic overuse," she says.
And bring any concerns to a pediatrician or other professional.
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