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Sleep Apnea Test
By Abraham Lincoln
When I was wired for my sleep apnea sleep test. I had 24 wires stuck on
my body–under my nose, under my chin, on my temples, behind both ears,
on my head in my hair–in front and in back; on my chest, plus two wires
on each leg taped on my shins. And, I had two belts around my middle.
Each wire end was stuck on my body with a strip of 747 tape (It is the
same tape used to fasten the wings on 747 jet airplanes). It sticks
good and pulled hairs off my legs and I don’t have hair on my legs. It
also pulls chunks of meat off my shins leaving angry raw places–can I
say, “Ouch?”
When I get to visit my lung doctor, who I really liked, to discuss my
sleep apnea test, I will tell him that he should take the sleep apnea
test before he recommends it to patients. I want to ask him if he has
ever tried to sleep in one of those overused strip motels without air
conditioning (And complaining about the heat gets an old window fan set
on the floor turned on high).
My bed to be was camouflaged as an over sized mattress, askew on a bed
frame, with fitted sheets tight enough to curl the mattress up on both
ends and slathered with a twin size coverlet Grandma Moses crocheted.
I wore my socks in and out of bed, and my Wal-Mart leather house
slippers remained stuck on the carpet by the bed until I left this
morning. I was afraid to look under the bed remembering things I have
seen at Motel 69. The bathroom was sparkling clean with linen towels,
toilet paper and paper towels you pulled out piece by piece from a
chrome holder screwed on the wall. The bathroom had the neatest wall
switch I ever heard. You flip the switch when you enter and flip it
when you leave but all that does is turn the light off. A fan still
runs until you forget to hear it.
I was scheduled to arrive at 8:30 PM. I got there at 8:20 PM. I got
help in learning how to turn on the Polaroid LCD television featuring
the best Time Warner offered —it takes two flippers to operate it
property. I figured out how to make the recliner lay back and when
Larry King came on I went to sleep and was awakened at 10:30 PM by my
technician who said she would be back in about ten minutes to put the
wires on my body.
That’s exactly like taking a nap at home after lunch. Naps screw up my
sleep time at night. I do it but try to look wide awake when my boss
tip toes in the room and yells, “Fire!”
I did notice my Timex watch was dead five minutes after eleven o’clock
when I was wired up and told to get in bed. If I could have worked a
deal with the devil I would have opted for a sleeping pill but that
crony deserted me like everyone else did when the door slammed shut and
the little camera came on and glared down at my body concealed in new
pajamas and a voice said, “Have a good night’s sleep.”
I didn’t.
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