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Mind, Body Soul
Oh, That Mouth!
By Mona Lease
Greetings, Gals!! I submit the following to you for your consideration.
With all of the rain we've had, I looked to see if I had webs between
my toes. Nope - not yet. My only comment for the following is: These
comments are geared to spouses. Some of this I don't want to hear from
anyone - friend or foe. Keep reaching...Keep stretching!!
60 Things No Spouse Ever Wants to Hear - Best Life - Julia Malacoff
1)"We need to talk." This usually means there is a difficult conversation and it's probably not going to end well.
2)"You should know how I feel." Humans aren't natural mind readers. We can't guess another's exact emotions.
3)"Relax." In the midst of something tense, "relax" only ramps up things.
4)"You talk too much." Dismissing your spouse as a chatterbox is a back-handed way of breaking down communication.
5)"You're just like my ex." Comparing your spouse to a past lover
can be hurtful. Comparisons are unhelpful to us psychologically.
6)"You're just better with the kids than I am." This is a
cop-out. In a two-parent home, you and your spouse both need to be
wrangling the kids.
7)"You remind me of my mother/father." Comparisons to any family member can completely kill the mood.
8)"You're becoming my mother/father." No matter how much your
spouse loves their parents, they're never going to appreciate being
told this.
9)"You need a better job." Saying this bluntly won't get you very far.
10)"If you don't like it, leave." Nobody likes an ultimatum. Unless
you're ready to say "so long" to your spouse, this phrase should never
leave your lips.
11):I want a divorce." Threatening a divorce to incite a reaction is even worse than the aforementioned ultimatum.
12)"You're not listening to me." Making accusations won't get you very far. Ask what is distracting them.
13)"Don't take this personally." It's virtually impossible not to take your spouse's words and actions personally.
14)"I'm fine." Nothing is worse than, "I'm fine." This can come across
as you not trusting your partner to help you with your emotional needs.
15)"Why don't you ever...?" No matter what the end of this question is, it's already flowing with negativity.
16)"That's not my job." In a marriage, claiming "that's not my job"
makes it seem as though the vision of equitable work has already flown
out the window.
17)"You never help around the house." The odds are that your spouse
does do some things to help. Recognizing this gets you farther than
playing the "blame game."
18)"Why don't we have sex like we used to?" Phrasing it like this is likely to put your partner on the defense.
19)"I don't want to talk about it." This can actually make your spouse
feel worse. If your spouse doesn't know something's wrong, it won't be
easy for them to fix it.
20)"We need some space." This can be heard as, "I'm getting ready to
end our relationship." Make it a conversation, not a declarative
statement.
21)"You're being ridiculous." Statements like this demonstrate someone is either struggling to or unwilling to empathize.
22)"You'd better..." This phrase will likely not go over smoothly. If
you want your spouse to do something, don't order or threaten. Ask
nicely.
23)"Wait, what did you say?" If your spouse has to repeat what they
said because you weren't listening, don't be surprised when they are
more than a little annoyed.
24)"This is your fault." Placing the blame isn't the way to work through problems.
25)"You can't understand what I'm going through." If you want a
healthy marriage, it's worth letting your partner know how you are
feeling.
26)"You used to be so much fun." The late nights out with friends and
the beer? It has to end. It's only natural for relationships to
change over time. Wild times are not what your marriage needs as you
age.
27)"You looked so good back then." You might be saying this to be kind
- don't be surprised if your spouse thinks you wished they still looked
that way.
28)"__'s spouse always __." Every relationship is different. If you
want your partner to emulate - tell them that plainly without
making a comparison.
29)"You never let me do what I want." You might want a second car, but
it's not needed. It's important to realize that your spouse is acting
responsibly for the good of the marriage.
30)"We're out of money." In this situation it's because neither person can get on a plan they both can agree on.
31)"Calm down." Has anyone ever calmed down because someone told them to do so? Ask what is really going on.
32)"In a minute." This is code for "maybe," "sometime," "probably never." Don't use these.
33)"You're a dramatic." What reads as dramatic to you, might just be
your partner's very real and earnest way of expressing their feelings.
34)"You need to __." Your spouse is their own person. They don't
"need" to do something just because you think they should.
35)"How much have you had to drink?" Unless it's a habit of
over-imbibing or doing something dangerous, all this question will do
is get their guard up.
36)"I'm bored. This is not your spouse's problem. It's unfair to blame
it on your partner. It's not their job to make sure everyone is having
fun all the time.
37)"Hurry up." This one just isn't going to get you anywhere. Have you ever felt motivated to rush after hearing this?
38)"I'm not attracted to you right now." It is ok for your attraction
to your partner to wax and wane. Telling your partner this will make
them feel bad without getting to the root of why your attraction is
diminishing.
39)"Stop looking at your phone." It's better to work through some
compromises at another time than to admonish your spouse like a child.
40)"Stop nagging me." Often, what is interpreted as "nagging" is simply asking for help.
41)"Are you seriously going to eat that?" It's one thing to suggest you
and your spouse eat healthy. It's another to critique your spouse's
eating.
42)"Why on earth did your mom __?" Putting your spouse between you and their parent will rarely end well. Your spouse can't win.
43)"I hate your family." This sentence will cut your spouse like
a knife. Don't condemn the whole group. Discuss the individual.
44)"I hate your friends." It's best to not flat out say you hate them.
As long as the friends aren't disrespectful or dangerous, it's best not
to mention it.
45)"It must be nice having someone else take care of the bills." Acting
like you're pulling a higher salary and your spouse is on a permanent
vacation is not only patronizing, it diminishes all the work they
do...raising the kids, homework with the kids, laundry, meals, dishes,
etc.
46)"Do you think they're more attractive than me?" There's no way that
an answer to this question is going to end up being the one you want.
Don't ask.
47)"I hate to keep harping, but __." This is not the best way to get
something done. Make it clear you're serious about the issue. Remind
your spouse how you feel when they don't listen to your requests.
48)"I know I said I would do it, but ___." Not getting things done that
they said they were going to do is worse than saying they can't do it.
49)"I can't stand driving with you." Telling your spouse how to drive
or ridiculing them behind the wheel feels like a public flogging. If
they've driven the road many times and never had an issue - be quiet.
50)"Is that what you're wearing?" If it's on their body, you can
assume that's what they're wearing. This phrase will deliver a hit to
their conscience.
51)"Yes, that outfit does make you look fat." The right answer is always..."You look great!"
52)"How do these pants fit?" "Great!" All else is disqualifying.
53)"You, uh, you got a haircut." This phrase is unlikely to win you
points. Say it looks great. If you can't do that, wait until they say
something.
54)"Well, you did it first." Whatever the problem, telling them they did the same thing to you is immature and childish.
55)"What are you thinking about?" Coming up with the right answer is
easier said than done. Do you really want to know? If the answer is
"no" - don't ask. They could be wondering what their ex is doing...if
their boss is unhappy with their work performance, etc.
56)"Get over it." This is dismissive and mean-spirited. It's likely a catalyst for a big fight. Find a kinder way.
57)"Did you finish?" This refers to the bedroom. If you have to ask.....
58)"I have an STD." This is a touchy topic. This often means there has been an affair.
59)"Pick up the phone when I call." You have to remember people have
obligations and work. Sometimes not answering your call can't be helped.
60)"Silence." The silent treatment is hurtful and damaging. This destroys confidence and self-worth.
The best is yet to be!
"Sometimes all you need is for someone to just be there, even if they
can't solve your problems. Just knowing there is someone who cares can
make all the difference." sun.gazing.com
MONA
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