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Broke Wife, Big City
The Five Stages of House Cleaning With Children
By Aprill Brandon
Stage One: Optimism(-ish)
Hey kids! Come here please. ...Guys? Come on, I know you hear me. ...BECAUSE I SAID SO.
Don’t make me start counting. One! TWOOO...good choice. OK, now before
you start groaning, hear me out. Today we’re going to clean the house!
Yay!
(Fifteen minute pause for loud whining and fake tantrums)
Wow, those are some really good points you guys made there. I've
totally changed my mind. Of course I’m kidding. Now start cleaning.
This entire house is a disaster. But hey, we can make it fun! We’ll
blast some loud music and chug coffee while we do it, alright? Fine,
root beer in your case. Trust me, there is nothing better than having a
clean house. You’ll see. Now who wants to hear some Tupac? Ugh. Fine.
Taylor Swift.
Stage Two: Frustration
OK, let’s start with your rooms. I want you to put any toys you don’t
want anymore in this bin and put any trash or broken toys in this bin.
Dirty clothes in the hamper, books on the bookshelves, toys in the toy
box. Yes, I know. It does sound like a lot of work. Because you guys
have not cleaned anything since the last time we did this even though I
tell you to clean your rooms daily.
Look, watch how easy it is. Take this thing. Do you want to keep this?
You do? This thing I have never seen you play with? It’s your favorite
toy? Oh, your favorite toy of all time? That’s interesting because I’m
pretty sure it’s actually half of a plastic hanger. OK, OK, OK, fine!
You can keep it. But how about we put this marker that doesn’t work
anymore in the bin. Oh, it’s also your favorite toy? You named it Mr.
Marker? Yeah, no, sure. You have to let me get rid of this baby rattle,
though. Really!? You will? Oh, good job, kiddo, I’m proud of you...Hey,
why is this empty? WHO’S BEEN TAKING TOYS OUT OF THE “TOYS TO DONATE”
BIN!?
Stage Three: Bargaining Followed By Anger
Look, guys, if we all work together we can get this done in an hour,
tops. And maybe, if you kids do a good enough job, and stop with all
the complaining, we can have ice cream when we’re done? I don’t know,
whatever flavor is in that ancient tub in the back of the freezer.
We’ll even throw some M&M’s on top. Yes, fine, marshmallows too.
Just keep cleaning.
Wait, why are you crying? Yes, you have to get rid of it. It’s
one-third of a broken Mardi Gras beaded necklace. No, you do not love
it. Oh stop it, it is not your best friend. You own 189 stuffies. Make
one of them your best friend, alright?
What the...is this a freakin’ SANDWICH IN YOUR LAUNDRY BASKET?
Stage Four: Depression Followed By More Anger
I just wanted a clean home. Is that too much to ask? Other moms have clean homes. Probably.
Oh, who am I kidding? What’s even the point? It’s just going to get messy again. Life is meaningless.
No, just because I’m laying here on your floor in the fetal position
does not mean you can stop. Just step around me. Well, someday when you
have your own children you can lay in their filthy, gross rooms in a
puddle of your own private existential crisis while they pick up one
single Lego at a time at the speed of molasses.
Wait, is that...is that all the donation toys UNDER YOUR BED!? SON OF A ...
Stage Five: Acceptance of Corner Cutting
Oh, just throw it under the bed. I don’t care! Let’s just get it done.
No, of course we can’t just stop. What lesson would that be teaching
you? Now go shove all these broken Transformers into your closet.
(Opens bottle of wine, take giant swig straight from bottle)
Yeah, whatever, you can keep it. Go put it on top of the old washcloth
pile. It’s next to the naked Barbie pile. Behind the generic
Magna-Tiles pile! And when you’re done with that shove these half eaten
baby board books haphazardly into your bookshelves. Well, shove harder
then.
Yup, alright. I’m calling it. We’re done. Everyone into the kitchen for some ancient freezer-burned-flavored ice cream.
We’ve earned it.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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